The Penh Viet Diary Week 11

The Meltdown

My 11^th week has been the worst so far, all the blah about tough times don’t last tough people do well I have no comments about that. Cause I didn’t feel I would last this ordeal.

I landed in Hanoi feeling really sick and was to join my second working holiday the same night, the fact that I didn’t approve of joining work while sick didn’t matter, as I didn’t have a choice. 11:45 pm my huge suitcase and me arrived at the apartment. I was let in, shown my room, given a manual and that was that. I woke up running a high temperature and the only person who spoke English in that house was away for the day. Perfect simply perfect.

I tried reading the manual and it freaked me out, breakfast at 6:30 am, lunch at 11 and dinner at 5:30 pm, if you head out make sure you are back by 10:30 pm, this was just getting better and better. I managed to join the family for lunch and barely ate a morsel as I couldn’t understand what I was eating and nobody bothered explaining! We pretended to eat, I did all the pretending actually, went back to my room and passed out. The cutest little brat I have ever encountered Sam the youngest of the two kids I was supposed to tutor woke me up at 4:30 pm. He spoke hilarious English and the mood lifted. When the woman of the house arrived at dinner time I explained to her that I was not feeling too well, she promptly gave me some herbal tea and vitamins and suggested I sleep it off, which is exactly what I did for the next six days.

Being disconnected from my family and friends just made the whole ordeal so much more fun! I needed to get a Vietnam number but simply didn’t have the energy to step out. So I lay in my room feeling awfully homesick questioning every single move I had made so far. I was barely eating as I was anyways  never up for breakfast but still had to endure two meals. As the food didn’t agree with me I dreaded meal times when the conversation was supremely awkward as no one really made an effort to have a conversation in the first place!

Am not a quitter and sincerely wanted to live this through I had a week and a half more, I did my two hours of work and collapsed in bed, then the questions returned to haunt me. And here I thought I would be finding answers on this trip why were the questions mounting up?

I got use to the zoo treatment where family members would poke their head in to check on me, I would smile and tell them I was doing great and the ordeal continued. As I gained strength I stepped out of the house and the first thing I see is Balika Vadhu a popular Indian soap opera being watched by the locals, then head to an Indira Gandhi park for a walk. I felt I was being mocked at every step as people passed me by wearing Avika Gor’s tshirts. Considering I was so homesick these signs should have helped but they only made me feel worse. When I finally managed to get a number and connect with my family and friends I felt a little better, I didn’t tell them how miserable I was as I saw no point in it.

I felt I was in jail or at least under house arrest, jokingly told a friend who was ignoring my messages that I got arrested and that promptly got his attention all my messages were instantly answered followed by a series on calls. Note to self: need to work on reputation!

The week passed by and I survived with a mantra I often use to soothe my frazzled nerves ‘When I get older, I will be stronger. For now just let me be a little bit longer’

The Penh-Viet Diary Week 10

Journeys And Destinations...

Growing up my father often look us for budget trips that sometimes lasted a weekend at other times a month! I was envied by a lot of kids at school for going on such long vacations. I however hated most of them as I didn’t approve the budget part of the trip and hence loathed the travel part. Once I actually reached the destination I would start to enjoy myself but dreaded the journey back home especially if it involved sitting in a bus for what then seemed to be an eternity.

So much has changed; I have often enjoyed the travel far more than the destination it led to in the past couple of months. Like my bus ride from Phnom Penh to Ho Chin Minh city, since I had left Cambodia on a rather dramatic note I was a bit weary of entering another country in that sombre mood. I didn’t. Vietnam didn’t let me. Merely half hour after crossing the border, I received a welcome shower and the view from my window looked spectacular, mood lifted spirits started soaring high, like real high. An hour into the country and I was inspired enough to pick up all the things I had been yearning to do back home, as soon as I returned. The monumental change in my inspiration this time was that I knew I would actually see them through.

I now couldn’t wait to see what else this country had in store for me. Ho Chin Minh was my break before my next working holiday in Hanoi, I obviously intended to go all out. I landed up staying in all the time though! The viral came visiting and lets just say got rather comfortable in my system, I can be very hospitable like that you see! I did however drag myself to the war remnants museum, came back to my hotel and collapsed convinced that we are the worst race ever and that America is actually the step father who molests you while you sleep disguised as the big daddy!

After admiring the city from my hotel window for five days I managed to board my flight to Hanoi rather disappointed that I didn’t experience any more of the magic I was now quite accustomed to!  Exhausted and weak from the ride to the airport I tried to catch a nap, only to open my eyes with a start as a new thought hit me and charged me like a bolt of lightening. 30,000 feet above sea level I realised that a long cherished dream was actually so with in my reach right now. Like all life changing decisions it had more than its fair share of social, emotional and financial repercussions, did I dare reach out and grab it? I did. Have embraced the thought with an unbreakable resolution of seeing it through, will set the wheels rolling the minute I land in India.

I have so far had multiple eureka moments most of them while on the journey before reaching the intended destination, I guess because at the destination there is so much to look around at and engage yourself in? At times there is more to admire while on the road but this is the time I get to also look within. I for the first time have truly grasped the meaning of the quote ‘it is the journey that matters not the destination’

Being rather superstitious I don’t want talk about this vision fearing the magic will be lost, the circle will be broken and my dream could be crushed before I have the chance to see it come alive.

But I do know that this was what I was looking for without even knowing I was looking. I now realise that the purpose of this whole journey was for me to reach this decision, this was my intended destination!

I traveled this far to meet myself, got startled at what I saw, got amazed at my potential, was curious and vary about the source of my courage, surprised at my resilience, at times was awkward and embarassed to be this person, and the circus continued till I finally accepted myself.

Have been living happily ever after since! The smile doesn’t leave the face, the spring stays in the step as does the relentless song in the heart.

Reducere Ad Simpliciorem, The Art Of Dying And The Final GoodBye – The Penh Diary Week 9

Traveling, packing, adjusting to new places-situations and constantly shifting base is a part of ‘backpacking’. I say backpacking because in my head I am gradually starting to lean towards the simple and frugal style of traveling though god knows I would need to be born again to ever fully comply with all that it entails.

My time in Cambodia is up and I am surprisingly ready to move on even looking forward to the change. After exploring all the countries that had convenient visa laws I chose Vietnam to nest in for the next couple of weeks.

But there were some exciting and valuable encounters to be absorbed before I left the country and I got exposed to these literally in my last few hours in Phnom Penh.

7pm Reducere Ad Simpliciorem and the Art of Dying:

 I met John who was sitting at the table next to mine at Space. John taught literature in an Australian university and we began discussing well-written film scripts.  I tend to gravitate towards anyone who makes me think, considering I do so little of it voluntarily and John really got me thinking about life my sabbatical and the essence of time. He asked me how I would gauge if my sabbatical had been successful, I told him it was an internal feeling and I felt I was 75% there. He asked me what was the first thing I think of when I wake up and I said there was nothing fixed per se he said it’s the same for everyone across the globe, what time is it :)

John philosophy in life is Reducere ad simpliciorem Latin for reduce to simplify which is also my dad and brothers way of living life, I have been advised to follow it multiple times but its tough when you have a phd in complicate to increase stress in your life!  Since three weeks now circumstances and the depleting money reserves have forced me to live simply and boy do I feel free! I didn’t realize that with all the baggage physical and emotional that I was lugging around the stress it was giving me was crushing. I don’t know if and when I return to my material world I will be strong enough to continue living like this or will I be gobbled up by the consumerists side of society but for now I am loving it and living it and hence completely got what John was trying to tell me.

The night was young and I had yet to visit a couple of my favourite joints so I took my leave but not before asking John the mandatory what brings you here question. He very casually told me this was the last trip of his life and he was making the most of it. Why last I asked, well because I am dying of cancer!  Not exactly the answer I was expecting but since we had discussed so much about life etc I took a chance by asking him something I have always pondered about. I told him I have always hoped that I know exactly when I am going to die so that I could make the most of my last days but wasn’t sure if once I actually knew if I would be able to handle the truth. He said it made no difference. When I probed further he told me how he explained what was happening to his 10 year old daughter we are all pushed in front of the bus at some point, in my case I can see the bus!

I told John I was going to write about him in my blog and he requested I make it philosophical. Well I don’t know what this is but I have as always written from my heart. I have nothing but respect for you John, I am waiting for your email so that we can keep in touch and I hope I have done justice to the conversation we had. Enjoy the journey xoxo.

11pm The notion of family, friends and the whole support system jargon:

When I returned to pick up my bags (remember the 47 kilos?) from my apt I met the new volunteer who had replaced me, Muad a Dutch girl. I have always felt you just need a moment to really connect with someone, and that’s all it took with Maud.  We spent my last eve visiting all my favourite haunts in Phnom Penh and she joined me along with all the other volunteers. Several times through the eve I looked at her and mentally asked her ‘ who are you girl’? I felt we just understood each other perfectly even though we hadn’t really spoken much. She called me her soul mate while I joked that she was me in a much fitter body.

While we were all dancing, I looked around at these strangers from places far far away who had become my family in just a couple of weeks. Its ironical how at this stage I am witnessing this irreparable crack between a relative and don’t think I recognize or will ever feel the same away about this person but at the same time felt such warmth love and affection with people who were strangers in the recent past.  Bound by blood doesn’t necessarily result in bound by love I’ve deducted and as long as you are surrounded by people who get you and dance to the same tune as you, you are going to be alright. We do after all come alone and go back solo as well.  Invest in people you connect to, expect nothing in return and live happily.

4am The Final Goodbye

Remember the soul mate? So I had met him twice again and though I still felt the draw I was glad I had not gone back and reconnected with him as expected. Nonetheless I hate loose ends and felt I needed to go say goodbye. I was advised by well-wishers that it might not necessarily be the smartest move as I had gauged he was rather temperamental in my last interaction with him. I still dragged everyone with me and we went to his rooftop bar. My most favourite place in Phnom Penh.

He was initially thrilled to see me and inquired about my trip down south everything was fine till I told him I was leaving in three hours and had just come to say goodbye and then the dam exploded. He went bananas! I have grown up with three men with competing tempers so I am well versed with the whole anger package but this was something else.

I was yelled at for vanishing and not keeping in touch, yelled at for coming just  hours before leaving, yelled at for choosing to stay in a hotel as opposed to taking up his offer and moving in with him. Huh ?!

I told him I had just come to say goodbye and could not understand all this drama, but I guess not everyone is good with goodbyes. I was stunned felt hurt and very upset. I never intended to take this equation any further but I don’t like ending things badly and after a lovely eve this was how my last hour in the country was playing out. He walked away in a huff, I sat watching the skyline that I so loved for one last time. Waited for the tears to come, they didn’t he was clearly  not deserving of them took a deep breath got up and without so much as looking at him walked out of the bar. Got back to my hotel picked up my bags and with these bemused feelings left the country.

Alice in wonderland ... The Penh Diary Week 8

When I was shooting for one of my favourite shows Achievers Club we had a serial entrepreneur Ronnie Screwvala as of one the guests. He said something, which has stayed with me ‘whenever you are faced with a dilemma about what to do, ask yourself what is the worst that could happen’ the worst had happened I had nothing left to lose! Right after my mugging when I was really feeling down and out Yan kept telling me soon the feeling would change to anger real rage, anger never really came but FREEDOM did. And that is a very liberating feeling. I haven’t felt this free in the longest time.

This feeling helped me a lot when I decided to go traveling down south to Kampot & Kep. Since I need to make my money last much longer I decided to stay in hostels and oh did I pick the right one! Kampot is a beautiful riverside town and I picked a hostel that was constructed on bamboos stilts ON the river, with a 180-degree view of untouched nature. It was an out of this world feeling; luckily that was just the beginning!

Hostel life is all about chilling out together and making new friends. When I hung out in the lobby the first day I felt socially awkward, everyone was chatting with each other but I have an inherent problem I cannot initiate a conversation! Once someone talks to me I can take over completely but making the first move is not in my DNA. So there I sat for a good one hour soaking in the beautiful view, kicking myself for not having completed my swimming lessons as everyone was indulging in all the water activities and seemed to be having a blast. I felt like I was doing a social experiment on myself and failing miserably. You need to smile more was what Ramon my boss in Phnom Penh had once told me. So I started mechanically smiling at people passing by, slowly the smile became more genuine as did the conversations, the evening ended on a spectacular note.

 The new liberated me wanted to try new experiences. I decided to rent a bike and go up Bokor Mountain. Several people warned me that the roads were twisted and an inexperienced rider might not make it all the way up. The old me would have gone into a shell and perhaps even fallen for the easier tours that everyone was hard selling. What if I had an accident or got a flat tire? Or even ran out of fuel? There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And it's only reward is that it’s easy.

I was rewarded and how for taking the tougher route. I saw magic! The journey was far more enjoyable than the destination because I saw an orchestra in the sky, the clouds played hide and seek with the sun and i saw psychedelic lights come down, the landscape kept getting better, I rode through the clouds and caught myself singing several times. When I couldn’t recollect the lyrics I made them up, pure joy and happiness is what I was experiencing, I was actually high on life or nature?

A good 1:45 mins later I made it to the top, kind of exhausted. Found a gorgeous waterfall and took a nap below it then got up and rode across the mountain. By the time I got back to my hostel I was deliciously exhausted but extremely content. Taking a nap in the mixed dorm didn’t bother me at all; I surprise myself all the time nowadays. In the eve I hung out at the hostel and made some good friends, people who I connected to but didn’t get attached to, so the next day when I left we didn’t exchange email ids or numbers, just shared memories.

Having tasted blood I didn’t want to let go off the bike and rode 50 km to Kep a beach town with some seriously spectacular landscape. I enjoyed the best crab fry I have ever had on the beach before going to a lovely restaurant where I began the gin and tonic marathon. Some 10 drinks later I was exhilarated ahem! I wanted to go for the firefly cruise in Kampot, which was an hour away, check into the new hostel and take a shower before leaving. I didn’t have much time so I zipped on the highway feeling like i was inside the road racer video game i used to love playing as a kid and it was the best feeling ever. I evidently made it in one piece. I now completely get why men love their bikes more than their women!

I made it just in time for the cruise, and the magic continued … we sailed for a good one hour and just as I was beginning to wonder if the fire had left the flies cause I could see none, the motor was switched off and we docked in front of a massive tree. Pin drop silence, pitch-dark exterior and then I looked up! The tree was full of fireflies …

When you experience so much magic and get so high on life, you become like alice in wonderland. Seeing the same old things in a new way, and they have a completely different impact on you. The wand has been circled around my head and I have magically transformed for the better. Calmer, more at peace, a lot more accepting of what is happening to me and most importantly I am comfortable in my skin though honestly it feels like I have got a whole new skin that is prettier, happier and content. The journey has finally become as much of an external one as a far more fulfilling internal one.

The most peculiar comment I have received in the recent past ‘ You are unapologetically strange’  perhaps the old me would have dissected this for hours trying to decipher some good in this comment, today it makes me smile and I wear it as a badge of honour ;) 

The Bracode - The Penh Diary Week 7

All my memories from week 7 have vanished as on the 7^th day of my 7^th week here I got mugged and my beautiful world bursting at the seams with all the vibrant experiences snapped into black and white mode.

Scenes of being grabbed by the waist, locked in on both sides by bikes and my bag being grabbed kept playing on my mind as I went into a state of shock. The fact that I was training Laura another volunteer on the same day didn’t help. My knee jerk reaction was to pack my bags and take the first flight home. I kept kicking myself for freezing and not fighting back only to be told had I fought back I would have been stabbed. I was scared broken and broke.

From day 1 I had been strictly instructed to not carry hand bags outside, not carry too much cash, not use my phone while on the road and stuff everything I needed into my bra. I found the thought of that very unappealing and hence invested in a waist pouch. I still got mugged. Why me? Why in my last days here?

The staff at my work place was extremely supportive as was Laura my fellow volunteer. And then in walked Yan, a Russian who strolled into the theatre a week back, we got talking and soon enough became good buddies. When we were not dissecting our favourite films, we were constantly making fun of each other’s accents. We didn’t always understand each other (which had more to do with his way of speaking than mine!) but we got each other nonetheless.

Yan and Laura took me out for dinner post which we went to the riverside to get me ice cream because I had decided I would feel better with the ice cream. I did, the mood marginally lifted. Yan’s favourite bollywood film is the atrocious bodyguard and he simply loves the song teri meri meri teri prem khani …, he wanted to listen to it  I refused volunteering to introduce him to even more cheesier hindi songs. And that started the marathon one after another I played everything from oh la la, to ek do teen! I was unstoppable something about my music in my language, blaring out across the street in a foreign country was making me feel really good.

People always respond to music and slowly from the hotel staff to the security guard outside everyone was dancing away to bollywood songs. I was elated it was such a beautiful experience. Yan didn’t leave my side all day. I didn’t expect Laura, the staff or Yan to be so nice to me. The one person I expected to really help showed superficial concern and then vanished for 5 days!

I have repeatedly told myself not to expect anything from anyone and though I temporarily adhere to it, I eventually get sucked into the usual suspects that deeply affect my state of mind: attachment and expectation!

Rebooting and starting again, feeling very free ironically because I have nothing left to loose and don’t have to worry about valuables getting stolen.

And yes I will be strictly adhering to the bracode henceforth!

Emotion Explosion - The Penh Dairy Week 6

My primary reason for getting away was that I felt I had stopped feeling anything, being a hard-core vibe and emotion person that felt like a death sentence that had clearly been executed and executed very well! This week I was flooded with feelings albeit of varied kinds. Barring the constant physical pain I have been through since I landed here, listing down the 3 most significant events of this week.

The Killing Fields –Killed me!

After procrastinating for a month I decided to man up and visit Choeung Ek, expecting a really horrific site. The lush green and peaceful venue sure had me fooled initially, for the ill informed this could very well be a scenic picnic spot. And then bit-by-bit the trauma unfolded, I survived upto the killing tree where I sat and wept completely aghast feeling extremely helpless and angry. The killing tree is where the Khmer rouge after killing the parents grabbed the kids and smashed their skull into the tree to ensure that the kids don’t grown up and seek revenge. You can still see bones and fragments of their clothing peeping up from the soil…

Take back: As my boss commented the worse race on earth is us, one maniacs idiotic vision and we all become degenerate slaves catering to his every whim. With all the stress and pressure of surviving in the world today, it is very easy to fly off the handle and before you know it you have snowballed into the next ISIS. We ALL have it in us to save a life as well as take it; lets not push the wrong buttons. Lets learn to rein it in and feel centered, whatever works for you deep breathing, yoga, meditation.  I know events like this have happened before, but I sincerely hope they never happen again.

My friend Lena

Lena had come to watch a movie at the theatre, she met another guy there and they were generally hanging out. Before leaving the theatre they asked me for directions and we got talking. They told me they were going to a party and asked me to join in. I was done for the day so I agreed. Three random strangers went to a couple of places that night, spoke a lot and had a great time. Lena asked me which theatre I was working at the next day, promising to come visit me again. I smiled not expecting her to actually show up, but she did J I have a lot of time free between movie screenings and she started coming and hanging out with me, she would get her bike we would explore the city, have a meal, exchange travel stories etc. Slowly (actually rather fast since its just been a week) we have become very close. I recently found out that we have a common friend whom she had met in Laos, the world is a village she joked.

Lena has helped me realize that the world is actually a village and all the love and happiness I felt with spending time with her, I would soon find with the next person who was traveling through. She is pushing me to explore my limits and breakout of the conventional traveler and become a real traveler. A part of me has already transformed, other parts are work in progress.

Take back: going to face my biggest test tom of not getting attached to people as Lena is leaving tom. Take each day as it comes, easier said than done, but hey at least am trying!

Eat, drink, fight!

The Penh Diary Week 5

I had two days of this week and I decided enough of staying cooped up inside due to my inherent flaw of not being able to go out alone. I stepped out.

I did a Dj night, an open mic comedy night, several night clubs, a gay bar and explored several fabulous eating joints by myself. I also made an effort to talk to fellow solo travelers. Getting out every night started to burn a hole in my pocket as I have decided to double the duration of my holiday. Shit!

I tried to convince myself that the new me didn’t require the luxury and comfort of my old life, to hell with the weekly beauty salon visits, massages, taxi’s and shopping I could live simply and be happy. I questioned the fact that given my current situation I didn’t have a choice but to rough it out a little, but once back home would I continue to gain happiness from this frugal life? I doubt it, but for now I have chosen the mid way there are days when I feed my stomach on others my vanity.

But trying to stay happy in any given situation and accepting things that are happening to you in a very important lesson that I learnt this week from the Siberian guy whose wife divorced him and wiped him clean, to the girl from Argentina whose parents got separated; neither of them wanted to take her responsibility. My favourite conversion was with an Irish gentleman who after gauging all my so-called knowledge about this world and its ways asked me ‘so are you happy now’ I promptly replied that I was far happier than I had been back home and am working hard to up the happiness quotient. I felt obliged to ask him the same question, he gave me a long pensive look, smiled and left … Well!

I also had a nasty showdown with my flatmates this week, my boss got involved and at that point I felt unfairly took sides. I was fuming it was 2 am, long chat dissecting the situation with my brother and sis in law helped marginally calm me down. Early morning chat with my other brother helped put things in perceptive but i still felt I had been wronged and if that wasn’t undone I was ready to pack and leave. I was amazed at the cities and countries I was willing to move to in an hours notice, it would cost me more but nothing was more important than my respect. My local friend heard me out and commented pride is expensive.  I tried very hard to remove the ‘I’ from the situation as advised by the Gita that I have been reading but was still convinced that I was not wrong.

 Didn’t sleep a wink, was livid all day, afternoon showers calmed me down and I made an effort to talk it out with my boss, several misconceptions from both sides were addressed and just like that the issues evaporated. Had I given in to my ego and stormed off I would have constantly lived with the guilt of not clearing my stand.

I have always believed that you have not really lived in a place if you haven’t visited a few important venues, had a meaningful interaction with the locals and eaten their food, partied, thrown up in the pot and had one good fight.

I have evidently done it all :) 

Once upon a month ... The Penh Diary Week 4

They say time flies, well in the past month it sure flew by on my good days, but on those dreadful instances that sometimes ended in an aha moment it simply froze! Forcing me to fully immerse myself in my confusion and melancholia. 

A lot of people find it very difficult to spend time just by themselves without a book,ipad, ipod, tv etc which I find strange because if you cant bear your own company how do you expect others to suffer you? While growing up my father often made us kids put everything aside and just be, he called it doing ‘thought’.  I usually drifted to neverland and thought of nothing monumental, but this past month I have been in a perpetual state of ‘thought’.

So do I have it all figured out? Have I attained nirvana and seen the light? Am I going to return in a zen like state? Hell NO! But some things have worked out for me, whereas others have gotten me rather worked up!

Things that worked out:The move itself:

For once I did something instead of just talking about it and moving out of my comfort zone, this has made me a lot stronger and better equipped to deal with the big and (I now feel) not so bad world. It has also significantly broadened my horizon.

The simple life:  

We have always been told to live simply but no one explained why! I feel all our modern technology adds to our stress much more than reducing it. Cycling to work, not facing much traffic makes me happy. I have NEVER faced any honking here (I constantly fear being jailed for killing someone back home for incessant honking). I cook! The kitchen space has become less of a war zone and more of a comfort zone.  I watch a lot of films and meet some amazing people.  I occasionally fall into the trap of getting too comfortable but the auto correct has started happening a lot faster. It makes me wonder why we eagerly jump into self-destructive behaviour and then lament about its outcome! I have realized in my case (guess it applies to all, but me no expert) We always know what we need to do to be more content, but we chose to ignore those little voices.

Clinging on to people and things:

When I just moved here I had a lot of worries, will my maid (who literally runs my life back home) still be there when I return? Will the valuables in my apartment remain intact considering we have construction going on in the building? I left all my heels outside should I have wrapped them up? Petty trivial matters. Thankfully I wasn’t worried about the people I left behind who have been a HUGE support system even here.

I am now finally learning to take each day as it comes, am not so bothered about things back home as I have no control over them. I am starting to just be and that is making me very content and happy. I used to initially cling on to the new acquaintances I made only to lose them to another city or country in a couple of days but now cherish the time I spend with people I meet here because clichéd as it sounds, everybody does walk into your life for a reason.

Things that have we worked up: Sense of direction:

So I’ve learnt to ride on what is the wrong side of the road in India, but can somebody please tell me which is the right side of the road here? Cambodians happily turn around on a busy main road and confidently move in the opposite direction. I usually have 20-30 people charging at me from both sides so I really don’t know which is the right or wrong anymore! I also need to learn to look first at the left then right while crossing the road, but I guess I will be an old and wrinkled women by the time its becomes a habit. Okay maybe not wrinkled just old!  Every time I happen to look in the wrong direction a vehicle (why do they all have such huge cars here anyway!) nearly runs over me! Obviously they are driving on the supposed right side just this time to mock clearly! It’s a conspiracy !

The language we speak:

I have had a convent education, pretty much spoken English through my life, my folks didn’t think it was important for me to learn Punjabi so I lost out on my mother tongue.  Hindi is the only other language which again I hardly use, I am embarrassed to say that if I had to read a book in hindi it would take me ages and I would need the dictionary as a constant companion. It didn’t bother me till now, but I have been quite agitated about it off late.

We share a common computer at work and every time I sign in the language has been changed to the one the previous volunteer was using. It’s rarely English. They speak perfect English but are using social networking sites in their mother tongue out of choice. While we are eager to do everything in English they are proudly holding on to their culture their origins their heritage.

Every time the Indian government tried to enforce the local language on a larger scale in the state I scoffed upon them and vehemently opposed the move. Today I worry if the next generation will even speak hindi or their mother tongue, or as in my case I would be mother who wouldn’t know her mother tongue!

I worry if it’s too late to do anything about it? And if somebody tries to do something I worry that they will not get the desired support from all us Indians who have been privileged enough to have some excellent higher education. So now what?

Call me a village bumpkin if you please!

I am alarmed at how acceptable infidelity is becoming in India and the world over. I have had several heated discussions with people back home and here as well. People scoff at me calling me old school and naïve not wise to the ways of the world, call me what you wish but I will never fathom the need or approve of the blatant openness of the way things stand today. We have grown up in an era where everything is possible, but even everything has its boundaries. Don’t live by the rules and we are all soon going to spiral head first into a society where there is no emotional security, no family values and absolutely no bond with our respective partners.

And then there is Tom & Jerry

I have never been fond of animals; I avoid visiting houses that are ruled by them. It’s a personal choice. But since I have voluntarily gotten out of my comfort zone am being tested to the T! My boss recently adopted a notorious kitten from the street, and the little one is over eager to get friendly, enter my room and when the door is shut try to squeeze in from the gap below. I become a prisoner in my room and we take turns scaring each other when I dare venture out more because I need to than want to.

The cat and mouse approach is constantly being applied in life as well off late, am either chasing a notion or being chased by the fear of pennies running out and my inevitable return back home.

Another month to go in Phnom Penh before i begin a new adventure in a new country.

For now I am simply playing along and trying to have as much fun as possible along the way.  

The thing about doors ...

The Penh Diary - Week 3

I like to think of myself as an extrovert who easily gets along with people, but truth be told I decide whether I like someone within the first five seconds of meeting them. And if I don’t like you, I will make it very evident, nothing you say or do will change my perception.

I don’t like people who get too familiar too soon, who try too hard, who I think are being pretentious and the list goes on. I have several such mental barricades, and the door is firmly shut on people who don’t ‘fit in’.In my third week in Phnom Penh I decided to open the door just a wee bit.

Exploring new routes:

I cycled around, walked into unfamiliar streets, found a place to buy flowers for my room (which makes me very very happy), discovered new things to do and places to go to. Bumped into people I had met earlier and just like that this unknown city has slowly started to become my own.

Making an effort to connect to people:

Honestly I tried initially and then kind of went back into my shell. But on Saturday night I went out with the girls. We bought each other drinks, warded off pesky boys, danced; they made sure my bag was safe (a big deal here) and got me back home safely.

I hesitantly agreed to dance with a stranger, who turned out to be an exceptionally good dancer. There is no high like dancing with someone who matches you beat for beat. What a feeling!

My flat has finally started feeling like home, and am growing rather fond of my flat mates and don’t want them to leave next week, will I make the effort with the new volunteers who come in? Well …

Talking to the man who gets over familiar in 3 ½ seconds:

So there was this old gentleman who was always hanging around one of the theatres. He got over familiar and spoke non- stop the first time I met him, so I obviously shut him out.  My interaction with him was giving him a curt nod to acknowledge his presence and that was it. This by the way was me being polite!

Last eve we were the only ones in the reception area, me sitting there cause it was my job, he out of habit. There was clearly no avoiding this one! So I decided to sit and hear him out (also because he was leaving the next day)

By the end of the hour-long monologue that followed I felt very small and self-centered. He was originally from Sweden but as he is suffering from a bad case of rheumatism he was forced to relocate to Thailand, as the cold didn’t help his case. He was visiting Phnom Penh for a holiday (taking one after 5 years). If me being young and outgoing was feeling lonely and out of place, imagine what a 75+ man must have been feeling. His way of dealing with the issue was getting too familiar too quickly, because then he felt like he belonged somewhere. By asking way to many personal questions and suffering a perennial case verbal diarrhea about his personal life he was ensuring that when he met you the next day he had enough to talk and enquire about. And he was going back from Phnom Penh elated, as everyone had complied. Everyone has endured this man, because they figured it was making him very happy. EVERYONE but me …

The thing about doors is that, a closed door might give you the illusion of being safe in your comfort zone and ensuring that things happen exactly the way you want them to, but it will also make you very lonely. An open door on the other hand, has made me very happy; though I only dared open it a wee bit.

The doors we open and close each day clearly dictate the lives we lead,  even big doors after all swing on little things.

And a revolving door? Well I am not going down that route!

The Penh Diary Week 2 : One step forward, four steps back!

I used to always wonder why people who are down and out are usually the ones who philosophize the most. Most of it is usually all bull shit with them trying to make their situation look far cooler than it actually is; but sometimes there is some wisdom in what they say!

The same applies to me, last week I was way out of my comfort zone so I was all about ‘learning from my experiences’ trying to decipher the hidden meaning and basically connect the dots! Week 2 came and went and I am back to square one in my outlook, my mindset and my overall inclination to figure things out, which by the way has/had dipped considerably.

I spent most of my second week in Siem Reap, as the theatre was shut for the Khmer New Year. Had been introduced to Rajesh an Indian living there by a common friend and after my difficult first week of adjusting in Phnom Penh I was sincerely hoping for a little good ol Indian hospitality from his end.

I took to Siem Reap instantly, it was green had a lot more character and was spread around this little river with captivating bridges to go across. I love small bridges there is something very quaint and charming about them. Visited the phare circus one eve got a lovely front row seat and was deeply moved by their simple execution but deeply moving performance. I cried multiple times as I was gently reminded of the country’s past. What really gets me is that fact that in spite of all that they have been through they have not turned bitter, they are still simple honest people who are trying to make ends meet, they have pure emotions and are happy! While shopping for anything I was by now used to ending the conversation with the mechanical ‘happy Khmer New Year’ I didn’t necessarily say it like I meant it, but their response made me feel very small. Their faces would light up and their entire body language would change when they wished me all the best things in life and they always said it like they meant it.

Angkor Wat blew me away but due to some unfortunate turn of events I had to head back to the hotel, sooner than planned so will have to go back to the complete justice to the place.

The highlight of my trip though was Rajesh and his fantastic circle of friends. Firstly my entire itinerary was planned for me included Rajesh personally picking me up from the airport, coordinating with the tuk tuk guys (which can be quite a nightmare as an address has no meaning in Siem Reap), taking me around town, welcoming me to his inner circle of friends, opening up his house with a home cooked meal thrown in. WOW!

I was elated somebody else was doing the planning. I was getting the princess treatment, was meeting some really wonderful people whom I instantly fell in love with. Everyone was being so nice to me! They were going out of their way to help me out when they had absolutely no obligation whatsoever; they had just met me!  In those 4 days, Siem Reap quickly became home and I unwittingly got 

attached to all those lovely people. Back in my comfort zone where there was no struggle, nothing to figure out and I went back to my familiar state of just being.

I conveniently forgot that this was the very reason I left India in the first place, to get out of my comfort zone. How quickly I made a new one!  While leaving for Phnom Penh the water works arrived in full glory. I was scared of going back to a place where I had no friends, nobody cared about my existence and most importantly I had no one watching my back. I started doubting my move yet again! But then again it was the same Phnom Penh that taught me so much in my first week here. I had taken one step forward in Phnom Penh and four steps back in Siem Reap!

So yeah tough times do teach you a lot about life, which is why I guess people who are down and out seem to understand more as they are in a position to feel things a lot more. Am now reluctantly back to my life in Phnom Penh, this is the path I have chosen and hopefully I will be a wiser and happier person post my stint here! I was told i was an increadible woman by someone i met in Siem Reap going to survive on that compliment for now :) 

The Penh Diary

A decade of doing the same thing: same firm – same apartment – same social circle and i started feeling like a fish out of water. In spite of living in Bombay for over 12 years now, i never felt like i belonged there. I desperately needed a change.  Time to shake things up i decided. And just like that i applied to the first interesting working holiday option i found: running a theatre for expats in Phnom Penh. No money was to be exchanged but i would get free accommodation and alcohol in exchange for manning the theatre for 5-6 hours.

My decision was met with a lot of skepticism and envy. People were either blown away by the idea, wishing they could do it as well or thought i had simply lost the plot! Don’t you have bills to pay? What about your job? Why would you work for free? How will you survive?

One week prior to departure:

Left office with my boss for one of my last client meetings only to go down and find my entire team waiting for me with flowers announcing that there was NO client meeting but this was actually my send off party. I was whisked away to Karjat to bosses farmhouse where i was treated like a princess: my favourite f&b, loads of extremely thoughtful presents and a colleague playing the guitar. Only when ‘”hope you have the time of your life’ was being played did it actually hit me for the first time.  I was leaving my entire support system behind! Loads of farewells followed through the week and i was humbled by all the love and affection, but this love and affection was killing me inside, as suddenly I didn’t want to leave. Several meltdowns later i managed to board my flight.

Day 1

I arrive in a daze. On entering the apartment i went into shock mode. It was a sweet but very basic apartment. On days when the temp was on the wrong side of 30 degrees here was my room with a table fan! I missed the comfort of my house already and wasn’t sure if i should even unpack. My new boss came by the apartment and brushed off my concerns saying i would be just fine. My brother told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I went to bed miserable.

Day 2

Woke up starving, stocked up on groceries and entered the kitchen someone I have not been seeing eye to eye with since forever! Struggled for two hours, burnt my hand in the process but enjoyed the meal. And then I see a fridge magnet that was screaming for my attention ‘There will come a time when you feel everything is finished, that will be the beginning. At the theatre I met a lot of interesting people who were traveling through, a lot of them had left their base a couple of years back and were just cruising around, taking each day as it came, but they all looked so happy and content. Was I clutching on too hard to the very things I wanted a break from? 

Day 3

Watched ‘The girls of Phnom Penh’ a film that highlights the reality of the sex trade in Cambodia.  I get that the country has been through a lot which has impacted their thinking capacity thanks to the Khmer Rouge but to actually believe that sleeping with a virgin will give you a long life and youthful appearance is a bit much to digest. These men obsessed with this idea are forcing agents to get them girls as young as 12 years to satisfy their hedonistic desires. Once a girl loses her virginity she is of the marriage market and thus the vicious circle continues. This use and throw attitude was impacting so many poor girls lives. Can’t really compare this to how we tend to at times use and throw people in our lives, everyone has done it at some point and everyone has suffered at some point, no connection between the two but got me thinking.

Day 4

Eureka day! Was chatting with a guest who had lived in 4 different continents in the past 2 years and didn’t know where his next job would take him i asked him if he missed home? ‘Home is where you have friends and family I have a family back home whom I am in touch with and I make more friends everyday than you can imagine?’ But how do you pack for two years? I came for two months with 47 kg! ‘Everything I own fits in my backpack I don’t need anything more. And suddenly it dawned on me backpacking was the epitome of some things The Bhagwad Gita repeatedly talks about. 1 Kill the I: when you need to start afresh everyday you have to be humble about it so the ego cannot come into play.  2 No attachment: how could you get attached to things when you had to carry everything in a 3 – 4 litre bag, you would stick to the bare necessities; thus living simply. No attachment to friends either as everyone is just passing through. 3 Observe things that happen to you without reacting or expecting: Everyday is a new experience and when you are backpacking you are usually just soaking it all in.

Day 5

Running the theatre is pretty simple once you get the hang of it. I had a lot of guests come in at the same time, which resulted in several blunders; I goofed up at things that were idiot proof! This experience put me right back in my place. Back home at work I usually have zero tolerance for incompetence and here I was making the most inane mistakes. Newfound respect for all ALL service staff.

Day 6

Sat in for the screening of the film ‘WILD’, cried through the film when as I compared the protagonists journey for self exploration with my own, not quite the same path but I always knew I needed to get away to sort out my head and figure my next move. That night I cycled back from work feeling liberated enjoying the wind blowing through my hair.

Day 7

I walked to the river front in the eve and watched the world go by, I don’t know what I want to do next, don’t know where I want live either. But I do know that this self-imposed exile of sorts is very important for my growth as a person and I love the fact that everything is up in the air. Till then as a friend advised I am going to  ‘Sit, relax, learn, love, accept, let go and come back (or not) full of inspiration and cheer’. Amen.