Dagshai Diaries 1

 The Web

Everyone has been on the web a lot given our lockdown situation!  Numerous zoom meetings be damned it also provided an escape.  The lazy and only travel option, a time machine for the uninspired to transport you from I’m so bored I’m counting the tiles on my floor straight to I’m a champion I finished all the titles on Netflix starting with the alphabet A,B and C … wait for it.. in English, Hindi and Yiddish.

I had set into a somewhat happy routine, my folks who were visiting got stuck in Bombay. Yay for me! As after a very long time I could go back to being a kid who was being looked after not to mention great company and home cooked food; strong independent woman who? I know they say when you are happy and content there is no need to shout it out from the rooftops … guilty, don’t rub it in, in people’s faces… very guilty! Cause my happy state was being rocked, routes and the sky were opening up to take my parents back home to Himachal. 

I panicked, after living with them for 5 months the thought of living alone again scared me. It obviously didn’t count that I’d been living alone for the past two decades, let’s just call this the lockdown effect. As I was making a list of all the people who had probably willed this on me, my situation suddenly got worse. As the men in the house, dad and my two older brothers (yes I survived two of them) decided that I could not be left alone and must be carted off to Himachal as well. I have been convinced that Bill Watterson has designed the character of Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame on me. My overactive imagination could give all the current conspiracy theories a run for their money… Himachal is dad’s home ground … my house my rules, plus one of my brothers had also temp moved there from Delhi …and then there were two! It’s a TRAP. I know the family talks about my unhealthy lifestyle and the need to keep an eye on the younger one who seems to be going astray often.  I couldn’t let them win, Bombay was home ground but in Himachal I would be dependent on them for food, shelter and apple cider!

Divine intervention is not always divine, it cancelled my upcoming shoot my strongest and only legit reason for staying back. Next thing I know I’m at the airport secretly enjoying just being out, but my Calvin instincts kicked in again when there were numerous ominous signs just before departure, the odd black cat crossing us before leaving home, a glass breaking and the barcode on just my ticket not working so the metal gate shut in my face refusing entry. There was still a chance … and I didn’t take it.

Once airborne I must admit I did start looking forward to a room with a view, fresh air, and most importantly my niece and nephew. The warm welcome, hugs and kisses from the babies and the magnificent view made me banish the Calvin mode out of my head as I step out to breathe in some fresh air appreciating the view, when I chance upon this spider’s WEB! 

The Penh – Viet diary Week 12

This week we stepped out, all of us literally and figuratively! The family invited me to visit a friend’s lychee farm close to the China border. An hour and a half out of the city and we were surrounded by nature, mountains, streams and fruit farms. 

Shared an elaborate spread with the villagers and drank beer with some of the farmers who seemed delighted. I stepped out and made a sincere effort of getting to know the people.

 I met a special child who due to some complications at birth had grown physically but the brain had not kept up, the most attractive little thing she was. We instantly connected, she kept seeking me out and I kept looking for ways to excuse myself from the others and spend time with her. Her mother cried when we saw how much we had bonded, she had led a rather difficult life and shared some stories with me. With a lump in my throat I excused myself, went for a walk found a lonely spot in the village and howled. I was overwhelmed by their simplicity; I was overwhelmed by how someone who had nothing could be so content? I was in awe of how happy the family was!  I couldn’t understand why life must be the hardest on the nicest people? This incident also shook me up as it mocked a recent stand on how I wished to live my life, it was a bold, progressive but compassionate stand.

Overwhelmed and humbled again, I ended the week with some somber thoughts. Life will keep throwing stuff at you and you have absolutely no control over that; you do however have a choice of surrounding yourself with your own little army that will fight, dodge, deflect these obstacles with you, and love you.

The Penh Viet Diary Week 11

The Meltdown

My 11^th week has been the worst so far, all the blah about tough times don’t last tough people do well I have no comments about that. Cause I didn’t feel I would last this ordeal.

I landed in Hanoi feeling really sick and was to join my second working holiday the same night, the fact that I didn’t approve of joining work while sick didn’t matter, as I didn’t have a choice. 11:45 pm my huge suitcase and me arrived at the apartment. I was let in, shown my room, given a manual and that was that. I woke up running a high temperature and the only person who spoke English in that house was away for the day. Perfect simply perfect.

I tried reading the manual and it freaked me out, breakfast at 6:30 am, lunch at 11 and dinner at 5:30 pm, if you head out make sure you are back by 10:30 pm, this was just getting better and better. I managed to join the family for lunch and barely ate a morsel as I couldn’t understand what I was eating and nobody bothered explaining! We pretended to eat, I did all the pretending actually, went back to my room and passed out. The cutest little brat I have ever encountered Sam the youngest of the two kids I was supposed to tutor woke me up at 4:30 pm. He spoke hilarious English and the mood lifted. When the woman of the house arrived at dinner time I explained to her that I was not feeling too well, she promptly gave me some herbal tea and vitamins and suggested I sleep it off, which is exactly what I did for the next six days.

Being disconnected from my family and friends just made the whole ordeal so much more fun! I needed to get a Vietnam number but simply didn’t have the energy to step out. So I lay in my room feeling awfully homesick questioning every single move I had made so far. I was barely eating as I was anyways  never up for breakfast but still had to endure two meals. As the food didn’t agree with me I dreaded meal times when the conversation was supremely awkward as no one really made an effort to have a conversation in the first place!

Am not a quitter and sincerely wanted to live this through I had a week and a half more, I did my two hours of work and collapsed in bed, then the questions returned to haunt me. And here I thought I would be finding answers on this trip why were the questions mounting up?

I got use to the zoo treatment where family members would poke their head in to check on me, I would smile and tell them I was doing great and the ordeal continued. As I gained strength I stepped out of the house and the first thing I see is Balika Vadhu a popular Indian soap opera being watched by the locals, then head to an Indira Gandhi park for a walk. I felt I was being mocked at every step as people passed me by wearing Avika Gor’s tshirts. Considering I was so homesick these signs should have helped but they only made me feel worse. When I finally managed to get a number and connect with my family and friends I felt a little better, I didn’t tell them how miserable I was as I saw no point in it.

I felt I was in jail or at least under house arrest, jokingly told a friend who was ignoring my messages that I got arrested and that promptly got his attention all my messages were instantly answered followed by a series on calls. Note to self: need to work on reputation!

The week passed by and I survived with a mantra I often use to soothe my frazzled nerves ‘When I get older, I will be stronger. For now just let me be a little bit longer’

The Penh-Viet Diary Week 10

Journeys And Destinations...

Growing up my father often look us for budget trips that sometimes lasted a weekend at other times a month! I was envied by a lot of kids at school for going on such long vacations. I however hated most of them as I didn’t approve the budget part of the trip and hence loathed the travel part. Once I actually reached the destination I would start to enjoy myself but dreaded the journey back home especially if it involved sitting in a bus for what then seemed to be an eternity.

So much has changed; I have often enjoyed the travel far more than the destination it led to in the past couple of months. Like my bus ride from Phnom Penh to Ho Chin Minh city, since I had left Cambodia on a rather dramatic note I was a bit weary of entering another country in that sombre mood. I didn’t. Vietnam didn’t let me. Merely half hour after crossing the border, I received a welcome shower and the view from my window looked spectacular, mood lifted spirits started soaring high, like real high. An hour into the country and I was inspired enough to pick up all the things I had been yearning to do back home, as soon as I returned. The monumental change in my inspiration this time was that I knew I would actually see them through.

I now couldn’t wait to see what else this country had in store for me. Ho Chin Minh was my break before my next working holiday in Hanoi, I obviously intended to go all out. I landed up staying in all the time though! The viral came visiting and lets just say got rather comfortable in my system, I can be very hospitable like that you see! I did however drag myself to the war remnants museum, came back to my hotel and collapsed convinced that we are the worst race ever and that America is actually the step father who molests you while you sleep disguised as the big daddy!

After admiring the city from my hotel window for five days I managed to board my flight to Hanoi rather disappointed that I didn’t experience any more of the magic I was now quite accustomed to!  Exhausted and weak from the ride to the airport I tried to catch a nap, only to open my eyes with a start as a new thought hit me and charged me like a bolt of lightening. 30,000 feet above sea level I realised that a long cherished dream was actually so with in my reach right now. Like all life changing decisions it had more than its fair share of social, emotional and financial repercussions, did I dare reach out and grab it? I did. Have embraced the thought with an unbreakable resolution of seeing it through, will set the wheels rolling the minute I land in India.

I have so far had multiple eureka moments most of them while on the journey before reaching the intended destination, I guess because at the destination there is so much to look around at and engage yourself in? At times there is more to admire while on the road but this is the time I get to also look within. I for the first time have truly grasped the meaning of the quote ‘it is the journey that matters not the destination’

Being rather superstitious I don’t want talk about this vision fearing the magic will be lost, the circle will be broken and my dream could be crushed before I have the chance to see it come alive.

But I do know that this was what I was looking for without even knowing I was looking. I now realise that the purpose of this whole journey was for me to reach this decision, this was my intended destination!

I traveled this far to meet myself, got startled at what I saw, got amazed at my potential, was curious and vary about the source of my courage, surprised at my resilience, at times was awkward and embarassed to be this person, and the circus continued till I finally accepted myself.

Have been living happily ever after since! The smile doesn’t leave the face, the spring stays in the step as does the relentless song in the heart.

Reducere Ad Simpliciorem, The Art Of Dying And The Final GoodBye – The Penh Diary Week 9

Traveling, packing, adjusting to new places-situations and constantly shifting base is a part of ‘backpacking’. I say backpacking because in my head I am gradually starting to lean towards the simple and frugal style of traveling though god knows I would need to be born again to ever fully comply with all that it entails.

My time in Cambodia is up and I am surprisingly ready to move on even looking forward to the change. After exploring all the countries that had convenient visa laws I chose Vietnam to nest in for the next couple of weeks.

But there were some exciting and valuable encounters to be absorbed before I left the country and I got exposed to these literally in my last few hours in Phnom Penh.

7pm Reducere Ad Simpliciorem and the Art of Dying:

 I met John who was sitting at the table next to mine at Space. John taught literature in an Australian university and we began discussing well-written film scripts.  I tend to gravitate towards anyone who makes me think, considering I do so little of it voluntarily and John really got me thinking about life my sabbatical and the essence of time. He asked me how I would gauge if my sabbatical had been successful, I told him it was an internal feeling and I felt I was 75% there. He asked me what was the first thing I think of when I wake up and I said there was nothing fixed per se he said it’s the same for everyone across the globe, what time is it :)

John philosophy in life is Reducere ad simpliciorem Latin for reduce to simplify which is also my dad and brothers way of living life, I have been advised to follow it multiple times but its tough when you have a phd in complicate to increase stress in your life!  Since three weeks now circumstances and the depleting money reserves have forced me to live simply and boy do I feel free! I didn’t realize that with all the baggage physical and emotional that I was lugging around the stress it was giving me was crushing. I don’t know if and when I return to my material world I will be strong enough to continue living like this or will I be gobbled up by the consumerists side of society but for now I am loving it and living it and hence completely got what John was trying to tell me.

The night was young and I had yet to visit a couple of my favourite joints so I took my leave but not before asking John the mandatory what brings you here question. He very casually told me this was the last trip of his life and he was making the most of it. Why last I asked, well because I am dying of cancer!  Not exactly the answer I was expecting but since we had discussed so much about life etc I took a chance by asking him something I have always pondered about. I told him I have always hoped that I know exactly when I am going to die so that I could make the most of my last days but wasn’t sure if once I actually knew if I would be able to handle the truth. He said it made no difference. When I probed further he told me how he explained what was happening to his 10 year old daughter we are all pushed in front of the bus at some point, in my case I can see the bus!

I told John I was going to write about him in my blog and he requested I make it philosophical. Well I don’t know what this is but I have as always written from my heart. I have nothing but respect for you John, I am waiting for your email so that we can keep in touch and I hope I have done justice to the conversation we had. Enjoy the journey xoxo.

11pm The notion of family, friends and the whole support system jargon:

When I returned to pick up my bags (remember the 47 kilos?) from my apt I met the new volunteer who had replaced me, Muad a Dutch girl. I have always felt you just need a moment to really connect with someone, and that’s all it took with Maud.  We spent my last eve visiting all my favourite haunts in Phnom Penh and she joined me along with all the other volunteers. Several times through the eve I looked at her and mentally asked her ‘ who are you girl’? I felt we just understood each other perfectly even though we hadn’t really spoken much. She called me her soul mate while I joked that she was me in a much fitter body.

While we were all dancing, I looked around at these strangers from places far far away who had become my family in just a couple of weeks. Its ironical how at this stage I am witnessing this irreparable crack between a relative and don’t think I recognize or will ever feel the same away about this person but at the same time felt such warmth love and affection with people who were strangers in the recent past.  Bound by blood doesn’t necessarily result in bound by love I’ve deducted and as long as you are surrounded by people who get you and dance to the same tune as you, you are going to be alright. We do after all come alone and go back solo as well.  Invest in people you connect to, expect nothing in return and live happily.

4am The Final Goodbye

Remember the soul mate? So I had met him twice again and though I still felt the draw I was glad I had not gone back and reconnected with him as expected. Nonetheless I hate loose ends and felt I needed to go say goodbye. I was advised by well-wishers that it might not necessarily be the smartest move as I had gauged he was rather temperamental in my last interaction with him. I still dragged everyone with me and we went to his rooftop bar. My most favourite place in Phnom Penh.

He was initially thrilled to see me and inquired about my trip down south everything was fine till I told him I was leaving in three hours and had just come to say goodbye and then the dam exploded. He went bananas! I have grown up with three men with competing tempers so I am well versed with the whole anger package but this was something else.

I was yelled at for vanishing and not keeping in touch, yelled at for coming just  hours before leaving, yelled at for choosing to stay in a hotel as opposed to taking up his offer and moving in with him. Huh ?!

I told him I had just come to say goodbye and could not understand all this drama, but I guess not everyone is good with goodbyes. I was stunned felt hurt and very upset. I never intended to take this equation any further but I don’t like ending things badly and after a lovely eve this was how my last hour in the country was playing out. He walked away in a huff, I sat watching the skyline that I so loved for one last time. Waited for the tears to come, they didn’t he was clearly  not deserving of them took a deep breath got up and without so much as looking at him walked out of the bar. Got back to my hotel picked up my bags and with these bemused feelings left the country.

Alice in wonderland ... The Penh Diary Week 8

When I was shooting for one of my favourite shows Achievers Club we had a serial entrepreneur Ronnie Screwvala as of one the guests. He said something, which has stayed with me ‘whenever you are faced with a dilemma about what to do, ask yourself what is the worst that could happen’ the worst had happened I had nothing left to lose! Right after my mugging when I was really feeling down and out Yan kept telling me soon the feeling would change to anger real rage, anger never really came but FREEDOM did. And that is a very liberating feeling. I haven’t felt this free in the longest time.

This feeling helped me a lot when I decided to go traveling down south to Kampot & Kep. Since I need to make my money last much longer I decided to stay in hostels and oh did I pick the right one! Kampot is a beautiful riverside town and I picked a hostel that was constructed on bamboos stilts ON the river, with a 180-degree view of untouched nature. It was an out of this world feeling; luckily that was just the beginning!

Hostel life is all about chilling out together and making new friends. When I hung out in the lobby the first day I felt socially awkward, everyone was chatting with each other but I have an inherent problem I cannot initiate a conversation! Once someone talks to me I can take over completely but making the first move is not in my DNA. So there I sat for a good one hour soaking in the beautiful view, kicking myself for not having completed my swimming lessons as everyone was indulging in all the water activities and seemed to be having a blast. I felt like I was doing a social experiment on myself and failing miserably. You need to smile more was what Ramon my boss in Phnom Penh had once told me. So I started mechanically smiling at people passing by, slowly the smile became more genuine as did the conversations, the evening ended on a spectacular note.

 The new liberated me wanted to try new experiences. I decided to rent a bike and go up Bokor Mountain. Several people warned me that the roads were twisted and an inexperienced rider might not make it all the way up. The old me would have gone into a shell and perhaps even fallen for the easier tours that everyone was hard selling. What if I had an accident or got a flat tire? Or even ran out of fuel? There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And it's only reward is that it’s easy.

I was rewarded and how for taking the tougher route. I saw magic! The journey was far more enjoyable than the destination because I saw an orchestra in the sky, the clouds played hide and seek with the sun and i saw psychedelic lights come down, the landscape kept getting better, I rode through the clouds and caught myself singing several times. When I couldn’t recollect the lyrics I made them up, pure joy and happiness is what I was experiencing, I was actually high on life or nature?

A good 1:45 mins later I made it to the top, kind of exhausted. Found a gorgeous waterfall and took a nap below it then got up and rode across the mountain. By the time I got back to my hostel I was deliciously exhausted but extremely content. Taking a nap in the mixed dorm didn’t bother me at all; I surprise myself all the time nowadays. In the eve I hung out at the hostel and made some good friends, people who I connected to but didn’t get attached to, so the next day when I left we didn’t exchange email ids or numbers, just shared memories.

Having tasted blood I didn’t want to let go off the bike and rode 50 km to Kep a beach town with some seriously spectacular landscape. I enjoyed the best crab fry I have ever had on the beach before going to a lovely restaurant where I began the gin and tonic marathon. Some 10 drinks later I was exhilarated ahem! I wanted to go for the firefly cruise in Kampot, which was an hour away, check into the new hostel and take a shower before leaving. I didn’t have much time so I zipped on the highway feeling like i was inside the road racer video game i used to love playing as a kid and it was the best feeling ever. I evidently made it in one piece. I now completely get why men love their bikes more than their women!

I made it just in time for the cruise, and the magic continued … we sailed for a good one hour and just as I was beginning to wonder if the fire had left the flies cause I could see none, the motor was switched off and we docked in front of a massive tree. Pin drop silence, pitch-dark exterior and then I looked up! The tree was full of fireflies …

When you experience so much magic and get so high on life, you become like alice in wonderland. Seeing the same old things in a new way, and they have a completely different impact on you. The wand has been circled around my head and I have magically transformed for the better. Calmer, more at peace, a lot more accepting of what is happening to me and most importantly I am comfortable in my skin though honestly it feels like I have got a whole new skin that is prettier, happier and content. The journey has finally become as much of an external one as a far more fulfilling internal one.

The most peculiar comment I have received in the recent past ‘ You are unapologetically strange’  perhaps the old me would have dissected this for hours trying to decipher some good in this comment, today it makes me smile and I wear it as a badge of honour ;) 

The Bracode - The Penh Diary Week 7

All my memories from week 7 have vanished as on the 7^th day of my 7^th week here I got mugged and my beautiful world bursting at the seams with all the vibrant experiences snapped into black and white mode.

Scenes of being grabbed by the waist, locked in on both sides by bikes and my bag being grabbed kept playing on my mind as I went into a state of shock. The fact that I was training Laura another volunteer on the same day didn’t help. My knee jerk reaction was to pack my bags and take the first flight home. I kept kicking myself for freezing and not fighting back only to be told had I fought back I would have been stabbed. I was scared broken and broke.

From day 1 I had been strictly instructed to not carry hand bags outside, not carry too much cash, not use my phone while on the road and stuff everything I needed into my bra. I found the thought of that very unappealing and hence invested in a waist pouch. I still got mugged. Why me? Why in my last days here?

The staff at my work place was extremely supportive as was Laura my fellow volunteer. And then in walked Yan, a Russian who strolled into the theatre a week back, we got talking and soon enough became good buddies. When we were not dissecting our favourite films, we were constantly making fun of each other’s accents. We didn’t always understand each other (which had more to do with his way of speaking than mine!) but we got each other nonetheless.

Yan and Laura took me out for dinner post which we went to the riverside to get me ice cream because I had decided I would feel better with the ice cream. I did, the mood marginally lifted. Yan’s favourite bollywood film is the atrocious bodyguard and he simply loves the song teri meri meri teri prem khani …, he wanted to listen to it  I refused volunteering to introduce him to even more cheesier hindi songs. And that started the marathon one after another I played everything from oh la la, to ek do teen! I was unstoppable something about my music in my language, blaring out across the street in a foreign country was making me feel really good.

People always respond to music and slowly from the hotel staff to the security guard outside everyone was dancing away to bollywood songs. I was elated it was such a beautiful experience. Yan didn’t leave my side all day. I didn’t expect Laura, the staff or Yan to be so nice to me. The one person I expected to really help showed superficial concern and then vanished for 5 days!

I have repeatedly told myself not to expect anything from anyone and though I temporarily adhere to it, I eventually get sucked into the usual suspects that deeply affect my state of mind: attachment and expectation!

Rebooting and starting again, feeling very free ironically because I have nothing left to loose and don’t have to worry about valuables getting stolen.

And yes I will be strictly adhering to the bracode henceforth!