The Penh Diary

A decade of doing the same thing: same firm – same apartment – same social circle and i started feeling like a fish out of water. In spite of living in Bombay for over 12 years now, i never felt like i belonged there. I desperately needed a change.  Time to shake things up i decided. And just like that i applied to the first interesting working holiday option i found: running a theatre for expats in Phnom Penh. No money was to be exchanged but i would get free accommodation and alcohol in exchange for manning the theatre for 5-6 hours.

My decision was met with a lot of skepticism and envy. People were either blown away by the idea, wishing they could do it as well or thought i had simply lost the plot! Don’t you have bills to pay? What about your job? Why would you work for free? How will you survive?

One week prior to departure:

Left office with my boss for one of my last client meetings only to go down and find my entire team waiting for me with flowers announcing that there was NO client meeting but this was actually my send off party. I was whisked away to Karjat to bosses farmhouse where i was treated like a princess: my favourite f&b, loads of extremely thoughtful presents and a colleague playing the guitar. Only when ‘”hope you have the time of your life’ was being played did it actually hit me for the first time.  I was leaving my entire support system behind! Loads of farewells followed through the week and i was humbled by all the love and affection, but this love and affection was killing me inside, as suddenly I didn’t want to leave. Several meltdowns later i managed to board my flight.

Day 1

I arrive in a daze. On entering the apartment i went into shock mode. It was a sweet but very basic apartment. On days when the temp was on the wrong side of 30 degrees here was my room with a table fan! I missed the comfort of my house already and wasn’t sure if i should even unpack. My new boss came by the apartment and brushed off my concerns saying i would be just fine. My brother told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I went to bed miserable.

Day 2

Woke up starving, stocked up on groceries and entered the kitchen someone I have not been seeing eye to eye with since forever! Struggled for two hours, burnt my hand in the process but enjoyed the meal. And then I see a fridge magnet that was screaming for my attention ‘There will come a time when you feel everything is finished, that will be the beginning. At the theatre I met a lot of interesting people who were traveling through, a lot of them had left their base a couple of years back and were just cruising around, taking each day as it came, but they all looked so happy and content. Was I clutching on too hard to the very things I wanted a break from? 

Day 3

Watched ‘The girls of Phnom Penh’ a film that highlights the reality of the sex trade in Cambodia.  I get that the country has been through a lot which has impacted their thinking capacity thanks to the Khmer Rouge but to actually believe that sleeping with a virgin will give you a long life and youthful appearance is a bit much to digest. These men obsessed with this idea are forcing agents to get them girls as young as 12 years to satisfy their hedonistic desires. Once a girl loses her virginity she is of the marriage market and thus the vicious circle continues. This use and throw attitude was impacting so many poor girls lives. Can’t really compare this to how we tend to at times use and throw people in our lives, everyone has done it at some point and everyone has suffered at some point, no connection between the two but got me thinking.

Day 4

Eureka day! Was chatting with a guest who had lived in 4 different continents in the past 2 years and didn’t know where his next job would take him i asked him if he missed home? ‘Home is where you have friends and family I have a family back home whom I am in touch with and I make more friends everyday than you can imagine?’ But how do you pack for two years? I came for two months with 47 kg! ‘Everything I own fits in my backpack I don’t need anything more. And suddenly it dawned on me backpacking was the epitome of some things The Bhagwad Gita repeatedly talks about. 1 Kill the I: when you need to start afresh everyday you have to be humble about it so the ego cannot come into play.  2 No attachment: how could you get attached to things when you had to carry everything in a 3 – 4 litre bag, you would stick to the bare necessities; thus living simply. No attachment to friends either as everyone is just passing through. 3 Observe things that happen to you without reacting or expecting: Everyday is a new experience and when you are backpacking you are usually just soaking it all in.

Day 5

Running the theatre is pretty simple once you get the hang of it. I had a lot of guests come in at the same time, which resulted in several blunders; I goofed up at things that were idiot proof! This experience put me right back in my place. Back home at work I usually have zero tolerance for incompetence and here I was making the most inane mistakes. Newfound respect for all ALL service staff.

Day 6

Sat in for the screening of the film ‘WILD’, cried through the film when as I compared the protagonists journey for self exploration with my own, not quite the same path but I always knew I needed to get away to sort out my head and figure my next move. That night I cycled back from work feeling liberated enjoying the wind blowing through my hair.

Day 7

I walked to the river front in the eve and watched the world go by, I don’t know what I want to do next, don’t know where I want live either. But I do know that this self-imposed exile of sorts is very important for my growth as a person and I love the fact that everything is up in the air. Till then as a friend advised I am going to  ‘Sit, relax, learn, love, accept, let go and come back (or not) full of inspiration and cheer’. Amen.