Dagshai Diaries 1

 The Web

Everyone has been on the web a lot given our lockdown situation!  Numerous zoom meetings be damned it also provided an escape.  The lazy and only travel option, a time machine for the uninspired to transport you from I’m so bored I’m counting the tiles on my floor straight to I’m a champion I finished all the titles on Netflix starting with the alphabet A,B and C … wait for it.. in English, Hindi and Yiddish.

I had set into a somewhat happy routine, my folks who were visiting got stuck in Bombay. Yay for me! As after a very long time I could go back to being a kid who was being looked after not to mention great company and home cooked food; strong independent woman who? I know they say when you are happy and content there is no need to shout it out from the rooftops … guilty, don’t rub it in, in people’s faces… very guilty! Cause my happy state was being rocked, routes and the sky were opening up to take my parents back home to Himachal. 

I panicked, after living with them for 5 months the thought of living alone again scared me. It obviously didn’t count that I’d been living alone for the past two decades, let’s just call this the lockdown effect. As I was making a list of all the people who had probably willed this on me, my situation suddenly got worse. As the men in the house, dad and my two older brothers (yes I survived two of them) decided that I could not be left alone and must be carted off to Himachal as well. I have been convinced that Bill Watterson has designed the character of Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame on me. My overactive imagination could give all the current conspiracy theories a run for their money… Himachal is dad’s home ground … my house my rules, plus one of my brothers had also temp moved there from Delhi …and then there were two! It’s a TRAP. I know the family talks about my unhealthy lifestyle and the need to keep an eye on the younger one who seems to be going astray often.  I couldn’t let them win, Bombay was home ground but in Himachal I would be dependent on them for food, shelter and apple cider!

Divine intervention is not always divine, it cancelled my upcoming shoot my strongest and only legit reason for staying back. Next thing I know I’m at the airport secretly enjoying just being out, but my Calvin instincts kicked in again when there were numerous ominous signs just before departure, the odd black cat crossing us before leaving home, a glass breaking and the barcode on just my ticket not working so the metal gate shut in my face refusing entry. There was still a chance … and I didn’t take it.

Once airborne I must admit I did start looking forward to a room with a view, fresh air, and most importantly my niece and nephew. The warm welcome, hugs and kisses from the babies and the magnificent view made me banish the Calvin mode out of my head as I step out to breathe in some fresh air appreciating the view, when I chance upon this spider’s WEB! 

Alice in wonderland ... The Penh Diary Week 8

When I was shooting for one of my favourite shows Achievers Club we had a serial entrepreneur Ronnie Screwvala as of one the guests. He said something, which has stayed with me ‘whenever you are faced with a dilemma about what to do, ask yourself what is the worst that could happen’ the worst had happened I had nothing left to lose! Right after my mugging when I was really feeling down and out Yan kept telling me soon the feeling would change to anger real rage, anger never really came but FREEDOM did. And that is a very liberating feeling. I haven’t felt this free in the longest time.

This feeling helped me a lot when I decided to go traveling down south to Kampot & Kep. Since I need to make my money last much longer I decided to stay in hostels and oh did I pick the right one! Kampot is a beautiful riverside town and I picked a hostel that was constructed on bamboos stilts ON the river, with a 180-degree view of untouched nature. It was an out of this world feeling; luckily that was just the beginning!

Hostel life is all about chilling out together and making new friends. When I hung out in the lobby the first day I felt socially awkward, everyone was chatting with each other but I have an inherent problem I cannot initiate a conversation! Once someone talks to me I can take over completely but making the first move is not in my DNA. So there I sat for a good one hour soaking in the beautiful view, kicking myself for not having completed my swimming lessons as everyone was indulging in all the water activities and seemed to be having a blast. I felt like I was doing a social experiment on myself and failing miserably. You need to smile more was what Ramon my boss in Phnom Penh had once told me. So I started mechanically smiling at people passing by, slowly the smile became more genuine as did the conversations, the evening ended on a spectacular note.

 The new liberated me wanted to try new experiences. I decided to rent a bike and go up Bokor Mountain. Several people warned me that the roads were twisted and an inexperienced rider might not make it all the way up. The old me would have gone into a shell and perhaps even fallen for the easier tours that everyone was hard selling. What if I had an accident or got a flat tire? Or even ran out of fuel? There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And it's only reward is that it’s easy.

I was rewarded and how for taking the tougher route. I saw magic! The journey was far more enjoyable than the destination because I saw an orchestra in the sky, the clouds played hide and seek with the sun and i saw psychedelic lights come down, the landscape kept getting better, I rode through the clouds and caught myself singing several times. When I couldn’t recollect the lyrics I made them up, pure joy and happiness is what I was experiencing, I was actually high on life or nature?

A good 1:45 mins later I made it to the top, kind of exhausted. Found a gorgeous waterfall and took a nap below it then got up and rode across the mountain. By the time I got back to my hostel I was deliciously exhausted but extremely content. Taking a nap in the mixed dorm didn’t bother me at all; I surprise myself all the time nowadays. In the eve I hung out at the hostel and made some good friends, people who I connected to but didn’t get attached to, so the next day when I left we didn’t exchange email ids or numbers, just shared memories.

Having tasted blood I didn’t want to let go off the bike and rode 50 km to Kep a beach town with some seriously spectacular landscape. I enjoyed the best crab fry I have ever had on the beach before going to a lovely restaurant where I began the gin and tonic marathon. Some 10 drinks later I was exhilarated ahem! I wanted to go for the firefly cruise in Kampot, which was an hour away, check into the new hostel and take a shower before leaving. I didn’t have much time so I zipped on the highway feeling like i was inside the road racer video game i used to love playing as a kid and it was the best feeling ever. I evidently made it in one piece. I now completely get why men love their bikes more than their women!

I made it just in time for the cruise, and the magic continued … we sailed for a good one hour and just as I was beginning to wonder if the fire had left the flies cause I could see none, the motor was switched off and we docked in front of a massive tree. Pin drop silence, pitch-dark exterior and then I looked up! The tree was full of fireflies …

When you experience so much magic and get so high on life, you become like alice in wonderland. Seeing the same old things in a new way, and they have a completely different impact on you. The wand has been circled around my head and I have magically transformed for the better. Calmer, more at peace, a lot more accepting of what is happening to me and most importantly I am comfortable in my skin though honestly it feels like I have got a whole new skin that is prettier, happier and content. The journey has finally become as much of an external one as a far more fulfilling internal one.

The most peculiar comment I have received in the recent past ‘ You are unapologetically strange’  perhaps the old me would have dissected this for hours trying to decipher some good in this comment, today it makes me smile and I wear it as a badge of honour ;) 

The Penh Diary

A decade of doing the same thing: same firm – same apartment – same social circle and i started feeling like a fish out of water. In spite of living in Bombay for over 12 years now, i never felt like i belonged there. I desperately needed a change.  Time to shake things up i decided. And just like that i applied to the first interesting working holiday option i found: running a theatre for expats in Phnom Penh. No money was to be exchanged but i would get free accommodation and alcohol in exchange for manning the theatre for 5-6 hours.

My decision was met with a lot of skepticism and envy. People were either blown away by the idea, wishing they could do it as well or thought i had simply lost the plot! Don’t you have bills to pay? What about your job? Why would you work for free? How will you survive?

One week prior to departure:

Left office with my boss for one of my last client meetings only to go down and find my entire team waiting for me with flowers announcing that there was NO client meeting but this was actually my send off party. I was whisked away to Karjat to bosses farmhouse where i was treated like a princess: my favourite f&b, loads of extremely thoughtful presents and a colleague playing the guitar. Only when ‘”hope you have the time of your life’ was being played did it actually hit me for the first time.  I was leaving my entire support system behind! Loads of farewells followed through the week and i was humbled by all the love and affection, but this love and affection was killing me inside, as suddenly I didn’t want to leave. Several meltdowns later i managed to board my flight.

Day 1

I arrive in a daze. On entering the apartment i went into shock mode. It was a sweet but very basic apartment. On days when the temp was on the wrong side of 30 degrees here was my room with a table fan! I missed the comfort of my house already and wasn’t sure if i should even unpack. My new boss came by the apartment and brushed off my concerns saying i would be just fine. My brother told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I went to bed miserable.

Day 2

Woke up starving, stocked up on groceries and entered the kitchen someone I have not been seeing eye to eye with since forever! Struggled for two hours, burnt my hand in the process but enjoyed the meal. And then I see a fridge magnet that was screaming for my attention ‘There will come a time when you feel everything is finished, that will be the beginning. At the theatre I met a lot of interesting people who were traveling through, a lot of them had left their base a couple of years back and were just cruising around, taking each day as it came, but they all looked so happy and content. Was I clutching on too hard to the very things I wanted a break from? 

Day 3

Watched ‘The girls of Phnom Penh’ a film that highlights the reality of the sex trade in Cambodia.  I get that the country has been through a lot which has impacted their thinking capacity thanks to the Khmer Rouge but to actually believe that sleeping with a virgin will give you a long life and youthful appearance is a bit much to digest. These men obsessed with this idea are forcing agents to get them girls as young as 12 years to satisfy their hedonistic desires. Once a girl loses her virginity she is of the marriage market and thus the vicious circle continues. This use and throw attitude was impacting so many poor girls lives. Can’t really compare this to how we tend to at times use and throw people in our lives, everyone has done it at some point and everyone has suffered at some point, no connection between the two but got me thinking.

Day 4

Eureka day! Was chatting with a guest who had lived in 4 different continents in the past 2 years and didn’t know where his next job would take him i asked him if he missed home? ‘Home is where you have friends and family I have a family back home whom I am in touch with and I make more friends everyday than you can imagine?’ But how do you pack for two years? I came for two months with 47 kg! ‘Everything I own fits in my backpack I don’t need anything more. And suddenly it dawned on me backpacking was the epitome of some things The Bhagwad Gita repeatedly talks about. 1 Kill the I: when you need to start afresh everyday you have to be humble about it so the ego cannot come into play.  2 No attachment: how could you get attached to things when you had to carry everything in a 3 – 4 litre bag, you would stick to the bare necessities; thus living simply. No attachment to friends either as everyone is just passing through. 3 Observe things that happen to you without reacting or expecting: Everyday is a new experience and when you are backpacking you are usually just soaking it all in.

Day 5

Running the theatre is pretty simple once you get the hang of it. I had a lot of guests come in at the same time, which resulted in several blunders; I goofed up at things that were idiot proof! This experience put me right back in my place. Back home at work I usually have zero tolerance for incompetence and here I was making the most inane mistakes. Newfound respect for all ALL service staff.

Day 6

Sat in for the screening of the film ‘WILD’, cried through the film when as I compared the protagonists journey for self exploration with my own, not quite the same path but I always knew I needed to get away to sort out my head and figure my next move. That night I cycled back from work feeling liberated enjoying the wind blowing through my hair.

Day 7

I walked to the river front in the eve and watched the world go by, I don’t know what I want to do next, don’t know where I want live either. But I do know that this self-imposed exile of sorts is very important for my growth as a person and I love the fact that everything is up in the air. Till then as a friend advised I am going to  ‘Sit, relax, learn, love, accept, let go and come back (or not) full of inspiration and cheer’. Amen.