Dagshai Diaries 1

 The Web

Everyone has been on the web a lot given our lockdown situation!  Numerous zoom meetings be damned it also provided an escape.  The lazy and only travel option, a time machine for the uninspired to transport you from I’m so bored I’m counting the tiles on my floor straight to I’m a champion I finished all the titles on Netflix starting with the alphabet A,B and C … wait for it.. in English, Hindi and Yiddish.

I had set into a somewhat happy routine, my folks who were visiting got stuck in Bombay. Yay for me! As after a very long time I could go back to being a kid who was being looked after not to mention great company and home cooked food; strong independent woman who? I know they say when you are happy and content there is no need to shout it out from the rooftops … guilty, don’t rub it in, in people’s faces… very guilty! Cause my happy state was being rocked, routes and the sky were opening up to take my parents back home to Himachal. 

I panicked, after living with them for 5 months the thought of living alone again scared me. It obviously didn’t count that I’d been living alone for the past two decades, let’s just call this the lockdown effect. As I was making a list of all the people who had probably willed this on me, my situation suddenly got worse. As the men in the house, dad and my two older brothers (yes I survived two of them) decided that I could not be left alone and must be carted off to Himachal as well. I have been convinced that Bill Watterson has designed the character of Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame on me. My overactive imagination could give all the current conspiracy theories a run for their money… Himachal is dad’s home ground … my house my rules, plus one of my brothers had also temp moved there from Delhi …and then there were two! It’s a TRAP. I know the family talks about my unhealthy lifestyle and the need to keep an eye on the younger one who seems to be going astray often.  I couldn’t let them win, Bombay was home ground but in Himachal I would be dependent on them for food, shelter and apple cider!

Divine intervention is not always divine, it cancelled my upcoming shoot my strongest and only legit reason for staying back. Next thing I know I’m at the airport secretly enjoying just being out, but my Calvin instincts kicked in again when there were numerous ominous signs just before departure, the odd black cat crossing us before leaving home, a glass breaking and the barcode on just my ticket not working so the metal gate shut in my face refusing entry. There was still a chance … and I didn’t take it.

Once airborne I must admit I did start looking forward to a room with a view, fresh air, and most importantly my niece and nephew. The warm welcome, hugs and kisses from the babies and the magnificent view made me banish the Calvin mode out of my head as I step out to breathe in some fresh air appreciating the view, when I chance upon this spider’s WEB! 

Reducere Ad Simpliciorem, The Art Of Dying And The Final GoodBye – The Penh Diary Week 9

Traveling, packing, adjusting to new places-situations and constantly shifting base is a part of ‘backpacking’. I say backpacking because in my head I am gradually starting to lean towards the simple and frugal style of traveling though god knows I would need to be born again to ever fully comply with all that it entails.

My time in Cambodia is up and I am surprisingly ready to move on even looking forward to the change. After exploring all the countries that had convenient visa laws I chose Vietnam to nest in for the next couple of weeks.

But there were some exciting and valuable encounters to be absorbed before I left the country and I got exposed to these literally in my last few hours in Phnom Penh.

7pm Reducere Ad Simpliciorem and the Art of Dying:

 I met John who was sitting at the table next to mine at Space. John taught literature in an Australian university and we began discussing well-written film scripts.  I tend to gravitate towards anyone who makes me think, considering I do so little of it voluntarily and John really got me thinking about life my sabbatical and the essence of time. He asked me how I would gauge if my sabbatical had been successful, I told him it was an internal feeling and I felt I was 75% there. He asked me what was the first thing I think of when I wake up and I said there was nothing fixed per se he said it’s the same for everyone across the globe, what time is it :)

John philosophy in life is Reducere ad simpliciorem Latin for reduce to simplify which is also my dad and brothers way of living life, I have been advised to follow it multiple times but its tough when you have a phd in complicate to increase stress in your life!  Since three weeks now circumstances and the depleting money reserves have forced me to live simply and boy do I feel free! I didn’t realize that with all the baggage physical and emotional that I was lugging around the stress it was giving me was crushing. I don’t know if and when I return to my material world I will be strong enough to continue living like this or will I be gobbled up by the consumerists side of society but for now I am loving it and living it and hence completely got what John was trying to tell me.

The night was young and I had yet to visit a couple of my favourite joints so I took my leave but not before asking John the mandatory what brings you here question. He very casually told me this was the last trip of his life and he was making the most of it. Why last I asked, well because I am dying of cancer!  Not exactly the answer I was expecting but since we had discussed so much about life etc I took a chance by asking him something I have always pondered about. I told him I have always hoped that I know exactly when I am going to die so that I could make the most of my last days but wasn’t sure if once I actually knew if I would be able to handle the truth. He said it made no difference. When I probed further he told me how he explained what was happening to his 10 year old daughter we are all pushed in front of the bus at some point, in my case I can see the bus!

I told John I was going to write about him in my blog and he requested I make it philosophical. Well I don’t know what this is but I have as always written from my heart. I have nothing but respect for you John, I am waiting for your email so that we can keep in touch and I hope I have done justice to the conversation we had. Enjoy the journey xoxo.

11pm The notion of family, friends and the whole support system jargon:

When I returned to pick up my bags (remember the 47 kilos?) from my apt I met the new volunteer who had replaced me, Muad a Dutch girl. I have always felt you just need a moment to really connect with someone, and that’s all it took with Maud.  We spent my last eve visiting all my favourite haunts in Phnom Penh and she joined me along with all the other volunteers. Several times through the eve I looked at her and mentally asked her ‘ who are you girl’? I felt we just understood each other perfectly even though we hadn’t really spoken much. She called me her soul mate while I joked that she was me in a much fitter body.

While we were all dancing, I looked around at these strangers from places far far away who had become my family in just a couple of weeks. Its ironical how at this stage I am witnessing this irreparable crack between a relative and don’t think I recognize or will ever feel the same away about this person but at the same time felt such warmth love and affection with people who were strangers in the recent past.  Bound by blood doesn’t necessarily result in bound by love I’ve deducted and as long as you are surrounded by people who get you and dance to the same tune as you, you are going to be alright. We do after all come alone and go back solo as well.  Invest in people you connect to, expect nothing in return and live happily.

4am The Final Goodbye

Remember the soul mate? So I had met him twice again and though I still felt the draw I was glad I had not gone back and reconnected with him as expected. Nonetheless I hate loose ends and felt I needed to go say goodbye. I was advised by well-wishers that it might not necessarily be the smartest move as I had gauged he was rather temperamental in my last interaction with him. I still dragged everyone with me and we went to his rooftop bar. My most favourite place in Phnom Penh.

He was initially thrilled to see me and inquired about my trip down south everything was fine till I told him I was leaving in three hours and had just come to say goodbye and then the dam exploded. He went bananas! I have grown up with three men with competing tempers so I am well versed with the whole anger package but this was something else.

I was yelled at for vanishing and not keeping in touch, yelled at for coming just  hours before leaving, yelled at for choosing to stay in a hotel as opposed to taking up his offer and moving in with him. Huh ?!

I told him I had just come to say goodbye and could not understand all this drama, but I guess not everyone is good with goodbyes. I was stunned felt hurt and very upset. I never intended to take this equation any further but I don’t like ending things badly and after a lovely eve this was how my last hour in the country was playing out. He walked away in a huff, I sat watching the skyline that I so loved for one last time. Waited for the tears to come, they didn’t he was clearly  not deserving of them took a deep breath got up and without so much as looking at him walked out of the bar. Got back to my hotel picked up my bags and with these bemused feelings left the country.

The Penh Diary

A decade of doing the same thing: same firm – same apartment – same social circle and i started feeling like a fish out of water. In spite of living in Bombay for over 12 years now, i never felt like i belonged there. I desperately needed a change.  Time to shake things up i decided. And just like that i applied to the first interesting working holiday option i found: running a theatre for expats in Phnom Penh. No money was to be exchanged but i would get free accommodation and alcohol in exchange for manning the theatre for 5-6 hours.

My decision was met with a lot of skepticism and envy. People were either blown away by the idea, wishing they could do it as well or thought i had simply lost the plot! Don’t you have bills to pay? What about your job? Why would you work for free? How will you survive?

One week prior to departure:

Left office with my boss for one of my last client meetings only to go down and find my entire team waiting for me with flowers announcing that there was NO client meeting but this was actually my send off party. I was whisked away to Karjat to bosses farmhouse where i was treated like a princess: my favourite f&b, loads of extremely thoughtful presents and a colleague playing the guitar. Only when ‘”hope you have the time of your life’ was being played did it actually hit me for the first time.  I was leaving my entire support system behind! Loads of farewells followed through the week and i was humbled by all the love and affection, but this love and affection was killing me inside, as suddenly I didn’t want to leave. Several meltdowns later i managed to board my flight.

Day 1

I arrive in a daze. On entering the apartment i went into shock mode. It was a sweet but very basic apartment. On days when the temp was on the wrong side of 30 degrees here was my room with a table fan! I missed the comfort of my house already and wasn’t sure if i should even unpack. My new boss came by the apartment and brushed off my concerns saying i would be just fine. My brother told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I went to bed miserable.

Day 2

Woke up starving, stocked up on groceries and entered the kitchen someone I have not been seeing eye to eye with since forever! Struggled for two hours, burnt my hand in the process but enjoyed the meal. And then I see a fridge magnet that was screaming for my attention ‘There will come a time when you feel everything is finished, that will be the beginning. At the theatre I met a lot of interesting people who were traveling through, a lot of them had left their base a couple of years back and were just cruising around, taking each day as it came, but they all looked so happy and content. Was I clutching on too hard to the very things I wanted a break from? 

Day 3

Watched ‘The girls of Phnom Penh’ a film that highlights the reality of the sex trade in Cambodia.  I get that the country has been through a lot which has impacted their thinking capacity thanks to the Khmer Rouge but to actually believe that sleeping with a virgin will give you a long life and youthful appearance is a bit much to digest. These men obsessed with this idea are forcing agents to get them girls as young as 12 years to satisfy their hedonistic desires. Once a girl loses her virginity she is of the marriage market and thus the vicious circle continues. This use and throw attitude was impacting so many poor girls lives. Can’t really compare this to how we tend to at times use and throw people in our lives, everyone has done it at some point and everyone has suffered at some point, no connection between the two but got me thinking.

Day 4

Eureka day! Was chatting with a guest who had lived in 4 different continents in the past 2 years and didn’t know where his next job would take him i asked him if he missed home? ‘Home is where you have friends and family I have a family back home whom I am in touch with and I make more friends everyday than you can imagine?’ But how do you pack for two years? I came for two months with 47 kg! ‘Everything I own fits in my backpack I don’t need anything more. And suddenly it dawned on me backpacking was the epitome of some things The Bhagwad Gita repeatedly talks about. 1 Kill the I: when you need to start afresh everyday you have to be humble about it so the ego cannot come into play.  2 No attachment: how could you get attached to things when you had to carry everything in a 3 – 4 litre bag, you would stick to the bare necessities; thus living simply. No attachment to friends either as everyone is just passing through. 3 Observe things that happen to you without reacting or expecting: Everyday is a new experience and when you are backpacking you are usually just soaking it all in.

Day 5

Running the theatre is pretty simple once you get the hang of it. I had a lot of guests come in at the same time, which resulted in several blunders; I goofed up at things that were idiot proof! This experience put me right back in my place. Back home at work I usually have zero tolerance for incompetence and here I was making the most inane mistakes. Newfound respect for all ALL service staff.

Day 6

Sat in for the screening of the film ‘WILD’, cried through the film when as I compared the protagonists journey for self exploration with my own, not quite the same path but I always knew I needed to get away to sort out my head and figure my next move. That night I cycled back from work feeling liberated enjoying the wind blowing through my hair.

Day 7

I walked to the river front in the eve and watched the world go by, I don’t know what I want to do next, don’t know where I want live either. But I do know that this self-imposed exile of sorts is very important for my growth as a person and I love the fact that everything is up in the air. Till then as a friend advised I am going to  ‘Sit, relax, learn, love, accept, let go and come back (or not) full of inspiration and cheer’. Amen.