Emotion Explosion - The Penh Dairy Week 6

My primary reason for getting away was that I felt I had stopped feeling anything, being a hard-core vibe and emotion person that felt like a death sentence that had clearly been executed and executed very well! This week I was flooded with feelings albeit of varied kinds. Barring the constant physical pain I have been through since I landed here, listing down the 3 most significant events of this week.

The Killing Fields –Killed me!

After procrastinating for a month I decided to man up and visit Choeung Ek, expecting a really horrific site. The lush green and peaceful venue sure had me fooled initially, for the ill informed this could very well be a scenic picnic spot. And then bit-by-bit the trauma unfolded, I survived upto the killing tree where I sat and wept completely aghast feeling extremely helpless and angry. The killing tree is where the Khmer rouge after killing the parents grabbed the kids and smashed their skull into the tree to ensure that the kids don’t grown up and seek revenge. You can still see bones and fragments of their clothing peeping up from the soil…

Take back: As my boss commented the worse race on earth is us, one maniacs idiotic vision and we all become degenerate slaves catering to his every whim. With all the stress and pressure of surviving in the world today, it is very easy to fly off the handle and before you know it you have snowballed into the next ISIS. We ALL have it in us to save a life as well as take it; lets not push the wrong buttons. Lets learn to rein it in and feel centered, whatever works for you deep breathing, yoga, meditation.  I know events like this have happened before, but I sincerely hope they never happen again.

My friend Lena

Lena had come to watch a movie at the theatre, she met another guy there and they were generally hanging out. Before leaving the theatre they asked me for directions and we got talking. They told me they were going to a party and asked me to join in. I was done for the day so I agreed. Three random strangers went to a couple of places that night, spoke a lot and had a great time. Lena asked me which theatre I was working at the next day, promising to come visit me again. I smiled not expecting her to actually show up, but she did J I have a lot of time free between movie screenings and she started coming and hanging out with me, she would get her bike we would explore the city, have a meal, exchange travel stories etc. Slowly (actually rather fast since its just been a week) we have become very close. I recently found out that we have a common friend whom she had met in Laos, the world is a village she joked.

Lena has helped me realize that the world is actually a village and all the love and happiness I felt with spending time with her, I would soon find with the next person who was traveling through. She is pushing me to explore my limits and breakout of the conventional traveler and become a real traveler. A part of me has already transformed, other parts are work in progress.

Take back: going to face my biggest test tom of not getting attached to people as Lena is leaving tom. Take each day as it comes, easier said than done, but hey at least am trying!

Eat, drink, fight!

The Penh Diary Week 5

I had two days of this week and I decided enough of staying cooped up inside due to my inherent flaw of not being able to go out alone. I stepped out.

I did a Dj night, an open mic comedy night, several night clubs, a gay bar and explored several fabulous eating joints by myself. I also made an effort to talk to fellow solo travelers. Getting out every night started to burn a hole in my pocket as I have decided to double the duration of my holiday. Shit!

I tried to convince myself that the new me didn’t require the luxury and comfort of my old life, to hell with the weekly beauty salon visits, massages, taxi’s and shopping I could live simply and be happy. I questioned the fact that given my current situation I didn’t have a choice but to rough it out a little, but once back home would I continue to gain happiness from this frugal life? I doubt it, but for now I have chosen the mid way there are days when I feed my stomach on others my vanity.

But trying to stay happy in any given situation and accepting things that are happening to you in a very important lesson that I learnt this week from the Siberian guy whose wife divorced him and wiped him clean, to the girl from Argentina whose parents got separated; neither of them wanted to take her responsibility. My favourite conversion was with an Irish gentleman who after gauging all my so-called knowledge about this world and its ways asked me ‘so are you happy now’ I promptly replied that I was far happier than I had been back home and am working hard to up the happiness quotient. I felt obliged to ask him the same question, he gave me a long pensive look, smiled and left … Well!

I also had a nasty showdown with my flatmates this week, my boss got involved and at that point I felt unfairly took sides. I was fuming it was 2 am, long chat dissecting the situation with my brother and sis in law helped marginally calm me down. Early morning chat with my other brother helped put things in perceptive but i still felt I had been wronged and if that wasn’t undone I was ready to pack and leave. I was amazed at the cities and countries I was willing to move to in an hours notice, it would cost me more but nothing was more important than my respect. My local friend heard me out and commented pride is expensive.  I tried very hard to remove the ‘I’ from the situation as advised by the Gita that I have been reading but was still convinced that I was not wrong.

 Didn’t sleep a wink, was livid all day, afternoon showers calmed me down and I made an effort to talk it out with my boss, several misconceptions from both sides were addressed and just like that the issues evaporated. Had I given in to my ego and stormed off I would have constantly lived with the guilt of not clearing my stand.

I have always believed that you have not really lived in a place if you haven’t visited a few important venues, had a meaningful interaction with the locals and eaten their food, partied, thrown up in the pot and had one good fight.

I have evidently done it all :) 

Once upon a month ... The Penh Diary Week 4

They say time flies, well in the past month it sure flew by on my good days, but on those dreadful instances that sometimes ended in an aha moment it simply froze! Forcing me to fully immerse myself in my confusion and melancholia. 

A lot of people find it very difficult to spend time just by themselves without a book,ipad, ipod, tv etc which I find strange because if you cant bear your own company how do you expect others to suffer you? While growing up my father often made us kids put everything aside and just be, he called it doing ‘thought’.  I usually drifted to neverland and thought of nothing monumental, but this past month I have been in a perpetual state of ‘thought’.

So do I have it all figured out? Have I attained nirvana and seen the light? Am I going to return in a zen like state? Hell NO! But some things have worked out for me, whereas others have gotten me rather worked up!

Things that worked out:The move itself:

For once I did something instead of just talking about it and moving out of my comfort zone, this has made me a lot stronger and better equipped to deal with the big and (I now feel) not so bad world. It has also significantly broadened my horizon.

The simple life:  

We have always been told to live simply but no one explained why! I feel all our modern technology adds to our stress much more than reducing it. Cycling to work, not facing much traffic makes me happy. I have NEVER faced any honking here (I constantly fear being jailed for killing someone back home for incessant honking). I cook! The kitchen space has become less of a war zone and more of a comfort zone.  I watch a lot of films and meet some amazing people.  I occasionally fall into the trap of getting too comfortable but the auto correct has started happening a lot faster. It makes me wonder why we eagerly jump into self-destructive behaviour and then lament about its outcome! I have realized in my case (guess it applies to all, but me no expert) We always know what we need to do to be more content, but we chose to ignore those little voices.

Clinging on to people and things:

When I just moved here I had a lot of worries, will my maid (who literally runs my life back home) still be there when I return? Will the valuables in my apartment remain intact considering we have construction going on in the building? I left all my heels outside should I have wrapped them up? Petty trivial matters. Thankfully I wasn’t worried about the people I left behind who have been a HUGE support system even here.

I am now finally learning to take each day as it comes, am not so bothered about things back home as I have no control over them. I am starting to just be and that is making me very content and happy. I used to initially cling on to the new acquaintances I made only to lose them to another city or country in a couple of days but now cherish the time I spend with people I meet here because clichéd as it sounds, everybody does walk into your life for a reason.

Things that have we worked up: Sense of direction:

So I’ve learnt to ride on what is the wrong side of the road in India, but can somebody please tell me which is the right side of the road here? Cambodians happily turn around on a busy main road and confidently move in the opposite direction. I usually have 20-30 people charging at me from both sides so I really don’t know which is the right or wrong anymore! I also need to learn to look first at the left then right while crossing the road, but I guess I will be an old and wrinkled women by the time its becomes a habit. Okay maybe not wrinkled just old!  Every time I happen to look in the wrong direction a vehicle (why do they all have such huge cars here anyway!) nearly runs over me! Obviously they are driving on the supposed right side just this time to mock clearly! It’s a conspiracy !

The language we speak:

I have had a convent education, pretty much spoken English through my life, my folks didn’t think it was important for me to learn Punjabi so I lost out on my mother tongue.  Hindi is the only other language which again I hardly use, I am embarrassed to say that if I had to read a book in hindi it would take me ages and I would need the dictionary as a constant companion. It didn’t bother me till now, but I have been quite agitated about it off late.

We share a common computer at work and every time I sign in the language has been changed to the one the previous volunteer was using. It’s rarely English. They speak perfect English but are using social networking sites in their mother tongue out of choice. While we are eager to do everything in English they are proudly holding on to their culture their origins their heritage.

Every time the Indian government tried to enforce the local language on a larger scale in the state I scoffed upon them and vehemently opposed the move. Today I worry if the next generation will even speak hindi or their mother tongue, or as in my case I would be mother who wouldn’t know her mother tongue!

I worry if it’s too late to do anything about it? And if somebody tries to do something I worry that they will not get the desired support from all us Indians who have been privileged enough to have some excellent higher education. So now what?

Call me a village bumpkin if you please!

I am alarmed at how acceptable infidelity is becoming in India and the world over. I have had several heated discussions with people back home and here as well. People scoff at me calling me old school and naïve not wise to the ways of the world, call me what you wish but I will never fathom the need or approve of the blatant openness of the way things stand today. We have grown up in an era where everything is possible, but even everything has its boundaries. Don’t live by the rules and we are all soon going to spiral head first into a society where there is no emotional security, no family values and absolutely no bond with our respective partners.

And then there is Tom & Jerry

I have never been fond of animals; I avoid visiting houses that are ruled by them. It’s a personal choice. But since I have voluntarily gotten out of my comfort zone am being tested to the T! My boss recently adopted a notorious kitten from the street, and the little one is over eager to get friendly, enter my room and when the door is shut try to squeeze in from the gap below. I become a prisoner in my room and we take turns scaring each other when I dare venture out more because I need to than want to.

The cat and mouse approach is constantly being applied in life as well off late, am either chasing a notion or being chased by the fear of pennies running out and my inevitable return back home.

Another month to go in Phnom Penh before i begin a new adventure in a new country.

For now I am simply playing along and trying to have as much fun as possible along the way.