The death of a dream ...

It hit me on the New Year party we had this year in Udaipur. While partaking in the joyous revelry that was much due, I was asked a very innocuous question. The star of the show I was working on gave me a generous amount of credit for making a very significant contribution to the show.

On hearing this, the channel head, in a manner befitting a king, said okay jahnvi we grant you a wish, ask for anything you want. Me being a huge fan of the channel head, I was stumped. I knew I couldn’t ask for something naive wanting to make a good impression and all! But the fact is that for the life of me I didn’t know what to ask for. And to add to my dilemma I saw my boss merrily approaching my group of innocent tormentors. Kicking myself mentally I chided myself for not having a readymade witty answer. Sigh there goes my vision of a bright professional future …

Then the cynic in me came alive and I meekly tried an escape route by saying “two drunk men granting me a wish, of course, we will all remember this conversation in the morning” ha that would shut them up. ‘If u don’t believe in your wish it will never come true’, was the channel head’s prompt retort. Damn damn damn kill me somebody, who would’ve guessed such a simple question could cause such agony. Time was running out as was the groups patience, so I shared my dream of going abroad for a month to celebrate my birthday every year … I know I know it sounded bizarre to me even as I said it. I was mentally dismissed by all the ‘bada log’ standing there, who of course covered that deserving thought with polite smiles.

Party ended, self image shattered, but my ongoing debate with myself refused to die down. The eternal optimist in me declared that our scriptures have taught us that we should all strive to reach a stage of having zero desire. Bravo I had successfully attained what others strive to accomplish in a lifetime, by giving up material possessions etc etc.

Rubbish rebuked the ego that had been severely hurt by my behaviour; you are not even capable of having a single sane thought that was supposed to be in your favour?? Disgusting!

When the various battles going on inside by head had died down, I started analysing this supposedly insignificant but impactful incident. A part of me genuinely doesn’t want anything more than I already have. I am quite happy and content being where I currently am. …. Or come to think of it am I content with just being?

Rewind to ten years back when I was in college. I wanted to rule the world, I had a vision, and above all I had an insatiable passion for things. My regular day included college, my French diploma classes, classical music training, part time work, planning extra curricular activities for the various clubs I was a part of in college, going out and getting funds to see the activities through, attending street plays, music concerts, basket ball matches … I had a healthy rapport with a couple of groups of friends I regularly hung out with … AND I had a steady boyfriend which trust me is no less than a full time job  I went to sleep exhausted but satisfied, eager for the night to quickly get over so I could start a new day and go conquer new quests.

I had always said that give me a fully paid world tour on one side and a chance to visit Pakistan on the other and I would without second thought choose the later. I have my reasons for wanting to visit Pakistan but that’s another story. I still harbour that dream … why then did it slip my mind?

Today I have the resources that I lacked in my college days; to go and do all the extra curricular activities I aspired to be given a chance to do., I happen to know a few people at the right places and I possess a more refined know - how of the correct way of approaching and tackling issues that are close to my heart. But I don’t do a thing. I am content with my salary that lets me indulge myself in an insignificant manner;

Why? When did my life change so much from wanted to conquer the world to being happy to just exist? Wanting to shine like a star, to being content by just being a part of the crowd? Why have I become so mechanical in life. Home gym work friends home!

But u know what hurts more than anything else? Not the fact that I lack passion for the things I wanted to do, but the fact that I don’t aspire to be or do anything anymore. I strongly feel that we seek in times of turbulence and peace brings static. That’s what I am currently facing. Peace harmony, no real challenges, today is like yesterday and tomorrow will be like today. HOW BORING! I have and always will detest predictability.

As my favourite line from kungfu panda goes “ yesterday was the past forget it, tom is the future await it but today is gift which is why its called present” So now that I have rediscovered the gift am going to make the most of it. No more ‘chalta hai’ attitude.

When I look around me I see a lot of friends, colleagues, acquaintances suffering from the same syndrome. Either going about things on autopilot. No zest no enthusiasm whatsoever. Or they have gotten so caught up in fulfilling their dreams that they are skipping through the most important phase of their lives, the present! Come guys lets shake out of it. Let’s take out time to smell the flowers shall we?

Here’s to a more exciting and emotionally fulfilling journey henceforth. I will chase that dream if I have to …. But I ain’t letting it die just yet nah not so easily!