The thing about doors ...

The Penh Diary - Week 3

I like to think of myself as an extrovert who easily gets along with people, but truth be told I decide whether I like someone within the first five seconds of meeting them. And if I don’t like you, I will make it very evident, nothing you say or do will change my perception.

I don’t like people who get too familiar too soon, who try too hard, who I think are being pretentious and the list goes on. I have several such mental barricades, and the door is firmly shut on people who don’t ‘fit in’.In my third week in Phnom Penh I decided to open the door just a wee bit.

Exploring new routes:

I cycled around, walked into unfamiliar streets, found a place to buy flowers for my room (which makes me very very happy), discovered new things to do and places to go to. Bumped into people I had met earlier and just like that this unknown city has slowly started to become my own.

Making an effort to connect to people:

Honestly I tried initially and then kind of went back into my shell. But on Saturday night I went out with the girls. We bought each other drinks, warded off pesky boys, danced; they made sure my bag was safe (a big deal here) and got me back home safely.

I hesitantly agreed to dance with a stranger, who turned out to be an exceptionally good dancer. There is no high like dancing with someone who matches you beat for beat. What a feeling!

My flat has finally started feeling like home, and am growing rather fond of my flat mates and don’t want them to leave next week, will I make the effort with the new volunteers who come in? Well …

Talking to the man who gets over familiar in 3 ½ seconds:

So there was this old gentleman who was always hanging around one of the theatres. He got over familiar and spoke non- stop the first time I met him, so I obviously shut him out.  My interaction with him was giving him a curt nod to acknowledge his presence and that was it. This by the way was me being polite!

Last eve we were the only ones in the reception area, me sitting there cause it was my job, he out of habit. There was clearly no avoiding this one! So I decided to sit and hear him out (also because he was leaving the next day)

By the end of the hour-long monologue that followed I felt very small and self-centered. He was originally from Sweden but as he is suffering from a bad case of rheumatism he was forced to relocate to Thailand, as the cold didn’t help his case. He was visiting Phnom Penh for a holiday (taking one after 5 years). If me being young and outgoing was feeling lonely and out of place, imagine what a 75+ man must have been feeling. His way of dealing with the issue was getting too familiar too quickly, because then he felt like he belonged somewhere. By asking way to many personal questions and suffering a perennial case verbal diarrhea about his personal life he was ensuring that when he met you the next day he had enough to talk and enquire about. And he was going back from Phnom Penh elated, as everyone had complied. Everyone has endured this man, because they figured it was making him very happy. EVERYONE but me …

The thing about doors is that, a closed door might give you the illusion of being safe in your comfort zone and ensuring that things happen exactly the way you want them to, but it will also make you very lonely. An open door on the other hand, has made me very happy; though I only dared open it a wee bit.

The doors we open and close each day clearly dictate the lives we lead,  even big doors after all swing on little things.

And a revolving door? Well I am not going down that route!

The Penh Diary Week 2 : One step forward, four steps back!

I used to always wonder why people who are down and out are usually the ones who philosophize the most. Most of it is usually all bull shit with them trying to make their situation look far cooler than it actually is; but sometimes there is some wisdom in what they say!

The same applies to me, last week I was way out of my comfort zone so I was all about ‘learning from my experiences’ trying to decipher the hidden meaning and basically connect the dots! Week 2 came and went and I am back to square one in my outlook, my mindset and my overall inclination to figure things out, which by the way has/had dipped considerably.

I spent most of my second week in Siem Reap, as the theatre was shut for the Khmer New Year. Had been introduced to Rajesh an Indian living there by a common friend and after my difficult first week of adjusting in Phnom Penh I was sincerely hoping for a little good ol Indian hospitality from his end.

I took to Siem Reap instantly, it was green had a lot more character and was spread around this little river with captivating bridges to go across. I love small bridges there is something very quaint and charming about them. Visited the phare circus one eve got a lovely front row seat and was deeply moved by their simple execution but deeply moving performance. I cried multiple times as I was gently reminded of the country’s past. What really gets me is that fact that in spite of all that they have been through they have not turned bitter, they are still simple honest people who are trying to make ends meet, they have pure emotions and are happy! While shopping for anything I was by now used to ending the conversation with the mechanical ‘happy Khmer New Year’ I didn’t necessarily say it like I meant it, but their response made me feel very small. Their faces would light up and their entire body language would change when they wished me all the best things in life and they always said it like they meant it.

Angkor Wat blew me away but due to some unfortunate turn of events I had to head back to the hotel, sooner than planned so will have to go back to the complete justice to the place.

The highlight of my trip though was Rajesh and his fantastic circle of friends. Firstly my entire itinerary was planned for me included Rajesh personally picking me up from the airport, coordinating with the tuk tuk guys (which can be quite a nightmare as an address has no meaning in Siem Reap), taking me around town, welcoming me to his inner circle of friends, opening up his house with a home cooked meal thrown in. WOW!

I was elated somebody else was doing the planning. I was getting the princess treatment, was meeting some really wonderful people whom I instantly fell in love with. Everyone was being so nice to me! They were going out of their way to help me out when they had absolutely no obligation whatsoever; they had just met me!  In those 4 days, Siem Reap quickly became home and I unwittingly got 

attached to all those lovely people. Back in my comfort zone where there was no struggle, nothing to figure out and I went back to my familiar state of just being.

I conveniently forgot that this was the very reason I left India in the first place, to get out of my comfort zone. How quickly I made a new one!  While leaving for Phnom Penh the water works arrived in full glory. I was scared of going back to a place where I had no friends, nobody cared about my existence and most importantly I had no one watching my back. I started doubting my move yet again! But then again it was the same Phnom Penh that taught me so much in my first week here. I had taken one step forward in Phnom Penh and four steps back in Siem Reap!

So yeah tough times do teach you a lot about life, which is why I guess people who are down and out seem to understand more as they are in a position to feel things a lot more. Am now reluctantly back to my life in Phnom Penh, this is the path I have chosen and hopefully I will be a wiser and happier person post my stint here! I was told i was an increadible woman by someone i met in Siem Reap going to survive on that compliment for now :)