The thing about doors ...

The Penh Diary - Week 3

I like to think of myself as an extrovert who easily gets along with people, but truth be told I decide whether I like someone within the first five seconds of meeting them. And if I don’t like you, I will make it very evident, nothing you say or do will change my perception.

I don’t like people who get too familiar too soon, who try too hard, who I think are being pretentious and the list goes on. I have several such mental barricades, and the door is firmly shut on people who don’t ‘fit in’.In my third week in Phnom Penh I decided to open the door just a wee bit.

Exploring new routes:

I cycled around, walked into unfamiliar streets, found a place to buy flowers for my room (which makes me very very happy), discovered new things to do and places to go to. Bumped into people I had met earlier and just like that this unknown city has slowly started to become my own.

Making an effort to connect to people:

Honestly I tried initially and then kind of went back into my shell. But on Saturday night I went out with the girls. We bought each other drinks, warded off pesky boys, danced; they made sure my bag was safe (a big deal here) and got me back home safely.

I hesitantly agreed to dance with a stranger, who turned out to be an exceptionally good dancer. There is no high like dancing with someone who matches you beat for beat. What a feeling!

My flat has finally started feeling like home, and am growing rather fond of my flat mates and don’t want them to leave next week, will I make the effort with the new volunteers who come in? Well …

Talking to the man who gets over familiar in 3 ½ seconds:

So there was this old gentleman who was always hanging around one of the theatres. He got over familiar and spoke non- stop the first time I met him, so I obviously shut him out.  My interaction with him was giving him a curt nod to acknowledge his presence and that was it. This by the way was me being polite!

Last eve we were the only ones in the reception area, me sitting there cause it was my job, he out of habit. There was clearly no avoiding this one! So I decided to sit and hear him out (also because he was leaving the next day)

By the end of the hour-long monologue that followed I felt very small and self-centered. He was originally from Sweden but as he is suffering from a bad case of rheumatism he was forced to relocate to Thailand, as the cold didn’t help his case. He was visiting Phnom Penh for a holiday (taking one after 5 years). If me being young and outgoing was feeling lonely and out of place, imagine what a 75+ man must have been feeling. His way of dealing with the issue was getting too familiar too quickly, because then he felt like he belonged somewhere. By asking way to many personal questions and suffering a perennial case verbal diarrhea about his personal life he was ensuring that when he met you the next day he had enough to talk and enquire about. And he was going back from Phnom Penh elated, as everyone had complied. Everyone has endured this man, because they figured it was making him very happy. EVERYONE but me …

The thing about doors is that, a closed door might give you the illusion of being safe in your comfort zone and ensuring that things happen exactly the way you want them to, but it will also make you very lonely. An open door on the other hand, has made me very happy; though I only dared open it a wee bit.

The doors we open and close each day clearly dictate the lives we lead,  even big doors after all swing on little things.

And a revolving door? Well I am not going down that route!

The Penh Diary Week 2 : One step forward, four steps back!

I used to always wonder why people who are down and out are usually the ones who philosophize the most. Most of it is usually all bull shit with them trying to make their situation look far cooler than it actually is; but sometimes there is some wisdom in what they say!

The same applies to me, last week I was way out of my comfort zone so I was all about ‘learning from my experiences’ trying to decipher the hidden meaning and basically connect the dots! Week 2 came and went and I am back to square one in my outlook, my mindset and my overall inclination to figure things out, which by the way has/had dipped considerably.

I spent most of my second week in Siem Reap, as the theatre was shut for the Khmer New Year. Had been introduced to Rajesh an Indian living there by a common friend and after my difficult first week of adjusting in Phnom Penh I was sincerely hoping for a little good ol Indian hospitality from his end.

I took to Siem Reap instantly, it was green had a lot more character and was spread around this little river with captivating bridges to go across. I love small bridges there is something very quaint and charming about them. Visited the phare circus one eve got a lovely front row seat and was deeply moved by their simple execution but deeply moving performance. I cried multiple times as I was gently reminded of the country’s past. What really gets me is that fact that in spite of all that they have been through they have not turned bitter, they are still simple honest people who are trying to make ends meet, they have pure emotions and are happy! While shopping for anything I was by now used to ending the conversation with the mechanical ‘happy Khmer New Year’ I didn’t necessarily say it like I meant it, but their response made me feel very small. Their faces would light up and their entire body language would change when they wished me all the best things in life and they always said it like they meant it.

Angkor Wat blew me away but due to some unfortunate turn of events I had to head back to the hotel, sooner than planned so will have to go back to the complete justice to the place.

The highlight of my trip though was Rajesh and his fantastic circle of friends. Firstly my entire itinerary was planned for me included Rajesh personally picking me up from the airport, coordinating with the tuk tuk guys (which can be quite a nightmare as an address has no meaning in Siem Reap), taking me around town, welcoming me to his inner circle of friends, opening up his house with a home cooked meal thrown in. WOW!

I was elated somebody else was doing the planning. I was getting the princess treatment, was meeting some really wonderful people whom I instantly fell in love with. Everyone was being so nice to me! They were going out of their way to help me out when they had absolutely no obligation whatsoever; they had just met me!  In those 4 days, Siem Reap quickly became home and I unwittingly got 

attached to all those lovely people. Back in my comfort zone where there was no struggle, nothing to figure out and I went back to my familiar state of just being.

I conveniently forgot that this was the very reason I left India in the first place, to get out of my comfort zone. How quickly I made a new one!  While leaving for Phnom Penh the water works arrived in full glory. I was scared of going back to a place where I had no friends, nobody cared about my existence and most importantly I had no one watching my back. I started doubting my move yet again! But then again it was the same Phnom Penh that taught me so much in my first week here. I had taken one step forward in Phnom Penh and four steps back in Siem Reap!

So yeah tough times do teach you a lot about life, which is why I guess people who are down and out seem to understand more as they are in a position to feel things a lot more. Am now reluctantly back to my life in Phnom Penh, this is the path I have chosen and hopefully I will be a wiser and happier person post my stint here! I was told i was an increadible woman by someone i met in Siem Reap going to survive on that compliment for now :) 

The Penh Diary

A decade of doing the same thing: same firm – same apartment – same social circle and i started feeling like a fish out of water. In spite of living in Bombay for over 12 years now, i never felt like i belonged there. I desperately needed a change.  Time to shake things up i decided. And just like that i applied to the first interesting working holiday option i found: running a theatre for expats in Phnom Penh. No money was to be exchanged but i would get free accommodation and alcohol in exchange for manning the theatre for 5-6 hours.

My decision was met with a lot of skepticism and envy. People were either blown away by the idea, wishing they could do it as well or thought i had simply lost the plot! Don’t you have bills to pay? What about your job? Why would you work for free? How will you survive?

One week prior to departure:

Left office with my boss for one of my last client meetings only to go down and find my entire team waiting for me with flowers announcing that there was NO client meeting but this was actually my send off party. I was whisked away to Karjat to bosses farmhouse where i was treated like a princess: my favourite f&b, loads of extremely thoughtful presents and a colleague playing the guitar. Only when ‘”hope you have the time of your life’ was being played did it actually hit me for the first time.  I was leaving my entire support system behind! Loads of farewells followed through the week and i was humbled by all the love and affection, but this love and affection was killing me inside, as suddenly I didn’t want to leave. Several meltdowns later i managed to board my flight.

Day 1

I arrive in a daze. On entering the apartment i went into shock mode. It was a sweet but very basic apartment. On days when the temp was on the wrong side of 30 degrees here was my room with a table fan! I missed the comfort of my house already and wasn’t sure if i should even unpack. My new boss came by the apartment and brushed off my concerns saying i would be just fine. My brother told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I went to bed miserable.

Day 2

Woke up starving, stocked up on groceries and entered the kitchen someone I have not been seeing eye to eye with since forever! Struggled for two hours, burnt my hand in the process but enjoyed the meal. And then I see a fridge magnet that was screaming for my attention ‘There will come a time when you feel everything is finished, that will be the beginning. At the theatre I met a lot of interesting people who were traveling through, a lot of them had left their base a couple of years back and were just cruising around, taking each day as it came, but they all looked so happy and content. Was I clutching on too hard to the very things I wanted a break from? 

Day 3

Watched ‘The girls of Phnom Penh’ a film that highlights the reality of the sex trade in Cambodia.  I get that the country has been through a lot which has impacted their thinking capacity thanks to the Khmer Rouge but to actually believe that sleeping with a virgin will give you a long life and youthful appearance is a bit much to digest. These men obsessed with this idea are forcing agents to get them girls as young as 12 years to satisfy their hedonistic desires. Once a girl loses her virginity she is of the marriage market and thus the vicious circle continues. This use and throw attitude was impacting so many poor girls lives. Can’t really compare this to how we tend to at times use and throw people in our lives, everyone has done it at some point and everyone has suffered at some point, no connection between the two but got me thinking.

Day 4

Eureka day! Was chatting with a guest who had lived in 4 different continents in the past 2 years and didn’t know where his next job would take him i asked him if he missed home? ‘Home is where you have friends and family I have a family back home whom I am in touch with and I make more friends everyday than you can imagine?’ But how do you pack for two years? I came for two months with 47 kg! ‘Everything I own fits in my backpack I don’t need anything more. And suddenly it dawned on me backpacking was the epitome of some things The Bhagwad Gita repeatedly talks about. 1 Kill the I: when you need to start afresh everyday you have to be humble about it so the ego cannot come into play.  2 No attachment: how could you get attached to things when you had to carry everything in a 3 – 4 litre bag, you would stick to the bare necessities; thus living simply. No attachment to friends either as everyone is just passing through. 3 Observe things that happen to you without reacting or expecting: Everyday is a new experience and when you are backpacking you are usually just soaking it all in.

Day 5

Running the theatre is pretty simple once you get the hang of it. I had a lot of guests come in at the same time, which resulted in several blunders; I goofed up at things that were idiot proof! This experience put me right back in my place. Back home at work I usually have zero tolerance for incompetence and here I was making the most inane mistakes. Newfound respect for all ALL service staff.

Day 6

Sat in for the screening of the film ‘WILD’, cried through the film when as I compared the protagonists journey for self exploration with my own, not quite the same path but I always knew I needed to get away to sort out my head and figure my next move. That night I cycled back from work feeling liberated enjoying the wind blowing through my hair.

Day 7

I walked to the river front in the eve and watched the world go by, I don’t know what I want to do next, don’t know where I want live either. But I do know that this self-imposed exile of sorts is very important for my growth as a person and I love the fact that everything is up in the air. Till then as a friend advised I am going to  ‘Sit, relax, learn, love, accept, let go and come back (or not) full of inspiration and cheer’. Amen.