You know how every once in a while, your life feels like it’s been hit by a tornado, and the one thing that mattered to you is atrociously and menacingly snatched away? Time passes, wounds miraculously heal and u pretend to be a wiser person thinking you have seen it all. Now you can withstand anything, boom! your hit again, and the vicious circle continues.
The past 30 hours have been more than that for me. The thing/people I really need at this point of my life let me down in a manner that has shattered me such that I could spend a lifetime trying to collect the pieces and still not complete the jigsaw. Ironically before I even had time to nurse my wounds I have deviously been transported to a situation where I have no option but to be happy for the sake of someone else, due to what that person is currently going through! So am basically dangling between immense grief and inexplicable joy and excitement. Am mentally partying with the grief but physically hanging out with the joy and excitement.
The internal trauma is killing me as is the façade of being happy. I feel betrayed, hurt, alone, leaning precariously close to plunging into depression. My best friend just left the country, my other main support system is out of a mobile network range, and another is occupied in her own domestic ho hum. Struggling to hold on to something that would prevent me from collapsing under the heavy burden that I have to bear all alone, only to realise that the secure strapping that held me together all along are the ones that have actually collapsed. I feel I cant face the world anymore, can never resume work and the list in endless.
While choking on my tears I tried to convey to an acquaintance what I was going through (I shamefully must admit though that she has been through much much much more that I have), that didn’t prevent her from genuinely sharing my grief, comforting me, and ending the conversation with this too shall pass …
And how true is that? Right now I feel am the saddest person on the planet, could share the tragic scenario that I have just passed, and you would say ah its okay, pull yourself together. The reason u cant share my grief is because ur not a part of the soul stabbing questions that are flooding my thoughts … why me? How could he/she do/say this to ME? After all I am his/her, grand daughter, best friend, sister,daughter,girlfriend. Am allowing these pity laden thoughts to have a feast at my expense. Hoping to move on, collect all those scattered pieces, and glue myself together. Easier said than done, well then again …
I KNOW for a fact that a couple of months later I will be in a position to laugh at this situation and amuse myself at the way I reacted and thought the world is going to end, at how I wanted to prove to people that what I was going through was far more tragic, than anything else they have endured. Well then women do have a tendacy to play melodramatic don’t they ? That’s my excuse for the long face, whats yours?
The past 30 hours have been more than that for me. The thing/people I really need at this point of my life let me down in a manner that has shattered me such that I could spend a lifetime trying to collect the pieces and still not complete the jigsaw. Ironically before I even had time to nurse my wounds I have deviously been transported to a situation where I have no option but to be happy for the sake of someone else, due to what that person is currently going through! So am basically dangling between immense grief and inexplicable joy and excitement. Am mentally partying with the grief but physically hanging out with the joy and excitement.
The internal trauma is killing me as is the façade of being happy. I feel betrayed, hurt, alone, leaning precariously close to plunging into depression. My best friend just left the country, my other main support system is out of a mobile network range, and another is occupied in her own domestic ho hum. Struggling to hold on to something that would prevent me from collapsing under the heavy burden that I have to bear all alone, only to realise that the secure strapping that held me together all along are the ones that have actually collapsed. I feel I cant face the world anymore, can never resume work and the list in endless.
While choking on my tears I tried to convey to an acquaintance what I was going through (I shamefully must admit though that she has been through much much much more that I have), that didn’t prevent her from genuinely sharing my grief, comforting me, and ending the conversation with this too shall pass …
And how true is that? Right now I feel am the saddest person on the planet, could share the tragic scenario that I have just passed, and you would say ah its okay, pull yourself together. The reason u cant share my grief is because ur not a part of the soul stabbing questions that are flooding my thoughts … why me? How could he/she do/say this to ME? After all I am his/her, grand daughter, best friend, sister,daughter,girlfriend. Am allowing these pity laden thoughts to have a feast at my expense. Hoping to move on, collect all those scattered pieces, and glue myself together. Easier said than done, well then again …
I KNOW for a fact that a couple of months later I will be in a position to laugh at this situation and amuse myself at the way I reacted and thought the world is going to end, at how I wanted to prove to people that what I was going through was far more tragic, than anything else they have endured. Well then women do have a tendacy to play melodramatic don’t they ? That’s my excuse for the long face, whats yours?
