01-01-2013

1^st Jan 2013 was and rather is a day I have been obsessing about, while several things around me were falling like a pack of cards one and only one conviction kept me going. The fact that I needed to hang on till the 1^st of Jan 2013.

Besides the several mundane resolutions one tends to list down and eventually make a mockery of, I have ‘for once’ decided to look at the bigger picture. This is not just another date to strike off on the calendar, it’s a chance to re boot your life and re arrange things the way you would like them to be. While the possibility of those situations boomeranging precariously looms overhead, the sheer notion of being given a clean slate to write the story of your life is rather empowering.

Currently intoxicated by the theory of ‘everything is possible’,  am off with a song in my heart and a spring in my step to carefully carve out my own destiny.

Happy New Year everyone.

I.N.V.I.C.T.U.S

For those who are looking for inspiration here is an incredible poem by William Ernest Henely written in  1875. Invictus means 'unconquerable' in Latin, once you absorb and grasp the magnitude of these lines you will be propelled to either create something fantastic or become a force to reckon with :)
This was a source of inspiration to Nelson Mandela during this captivity, for starts it inspired me enough to blog after a year!

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

William Ernest Henley

Hit me baby, one more time!

You know how every once in a while, your life feels like it’s been hit by a tornado, and the one thing that mattered to you is atrociously and menacingly snatched away? Time passes, wounds miraculously heal and u pretend to be a wiser person thinking you have seen it all. Now you can withstand anything, boom! your hit again, and the vicious circle continues.

The past 30 hours have been more than that for me. The thing/people I really need at this point of my life let me down in a manner that has shattered me such that I could spend a lifetime trying to collect the pieces and still not complete the jigsaw. Ironically before I even had time to nurse my wounds I have deviously been transported to a situation where I have no option but to be happy for the sake of someone else, due to what that person is currently going through! So am basically dangling between immense grief and inexplicable joy and excitement. Am mentally partying with the grief but physically hanging out with the joy and excitement.

The internal trauma is killing me as is the façade of being happy. I feel betrayed, hurt, alone, leaning precariously close to plunging into depression. My best friend just left the country, my other main support system is out of a mobile network range, and another is occupied in her own domestic ho hum. Struggling to hold on to something that would prevent me from collapsing under the heavy burden that I have to bear all alone, only to realise that the secure strapping that held me together all along are the ones that have actually collapsed. I feel I cant face the world anymore, can never resume work and the list in endless.

While choking on my tears I tried to convey to an acquaintance what I was going through (I shamefully must admit though that she has been through much much much more that I have), that didn’t prevent her from genuinely sharing my grief, comforting me, and ending the conversation with this too shall pass …

And how true is that? Right now I feel am the saddest person on the planet, could share the tragic scenario that I have just passed, and you would say ah its okay, pull yourself together. The reason u cant share my grief is because ur not a part of the soul stabbing questions that are flooding my thoughts … why me? How could he/she do/say this to ME? After all I am his/her, grand daughter, best friend, sister,daughter,girlfriend. Am allowing these pity laden thoughts to have a feast at my expense. Hoping to move on, collect all those scattered pieces, and glue myself together. Easier said than done, well then again …

I KNOW for a fact that a couple of months later I will be in a position to laugh at this situation and amuse myself at the way I reacted and thought the world is going to end, at how I wanted to prove to people that what I was going through was far more tragic, than anything else they have endured. Well then women do have a tendacy to play melodramatic don’t they ? That’s my excuse for the long face, whats yours?

The great Indian Common Wealth Games Saga …

I used to hold my head up high,
Proudly state am an Indian without letting out a sigh!

Today the whole world is mocking my pride,
And I will never Ever be able to take that in my stride.

2003 was the year we were given a chance,
2010 and we will never get a second glance.

We are the land of Kalpana Chawla and Arya Bhatta,
Organising a world class event will not cause a flutter.

But first Mr Kalmadi must fill his coffers, I hope u understand,
Pray do not bother him with trying to make a bridge stand.

We won’t kill our guests with faulty infrastructure says Sheila Dixit,
We were targeting ordinary spectators who are used to this shit.

Please don’t forget we have also made a global village to accommodate our athletes,
In fact we also decorated it with shit, piss and fleas.

I shall forever be indebted to you my dear Mr kalmadi,
For steadily ignoring the nations plea.

The panache with which you have wiped out India's name,
I really wonder was it worth your personal gain?

The facebook Syndrome…

Am quite astounded by the compulsive need to constantly stay ‘connected’ Call it keeping in touch with friends via popular social networking sites or merely keeping up with times, but this fad sure has us all hooked.

I was socially boycotted, when I wasn’t prompt enough in signing up to facebook some 3 odd years ago. Look I am really not a technically savvy person AT ALL! Even starting this blog has been mental torture for me, I hate to admit I spent 2 excruciating weeks trying to figure it out. So the point being that i was just getting the hang of orkut when along came this flamboyant cousin fb who was constantly showing off in my face till I eventually booked myself in.

Result being I now not only had orkut to figure out and update, but facebook had been added to my agony list as well! Eventually I did get the hang of it and life went on … but the frenzy refused to die down everyone was and still is quite gung-ho about updating their profiles, uploading snaps, tagging each other, commenting, poking and what not. Orkut has now become the poor distant cousin u don’t want to be seen in public with. Whereas facebook is advocated by the ‘wannabe’ and ‘elitist’ alike.

What does this site have that has gotten all of us hooked and booked? Me thinks fb makes us feel like celebrities. One never knows when one could get written about or when one’s snap could be put up, people will ha and ho over it. Then they will comment on it, u will either get flattered or upset. Regardless you are in the lime light right? Any publicity is good publicity sounds familiar?! We most often than not put up a status update with the intention of influencing one person/group or another. We want people to comment on it, in the absence of which we get dejected and work harder on thinking of a wittier one! We write things for effect. We send virtual flowers, cakes and gifts to each other. We spend hours toilling away on an online farm and feeding virtual animals !!!

We click snaps just so they can be put up on fb, “oh and don’t forget to tag me okay!” Our social status depends on how cool our fb page looks, who we friends with, how many people comment on our status updates/snaps. Some 0.5% people are solely there for the networking. But for the rest of us what better way to snoop around our friends/enemies/ ex boyfriends/current boyfriends/ siblings and those distant cousins we detest right?

We check fb updates … which reminds me need to wind this up as I need to check my fb account, not checked it in the last 7 mins that I have been writing this blog OMG !!!!

Come to think of it we even write blogs so that people can read them and leave nice comments which make us feel good about ourselves (the non flattering ones we have an option of deleting) Signing out with tongue firmly in cheek :-p

The death of a dream ...

It hit me on the New Year party we had this year in Udaipur. While partaking in the joyous revelry that was much due, I was asked a very innocuous question. The star of the show I was working on gave me a generous amount of credit for making a very significant contribution to the show.

On hearing this, the channel head, in a manner befitting a king, said okay jahnvi we grant you a wish, ask for anything you want. Me being a huge fan of the channel head, I was stumped. I knew I couldn’t ask for something naive wanting to make a good impression and all! But the fact is that for the life of me I didn’t know what to ask for. And to add to my dilemma I saw my boss merrily approaching my group of innocent tormentors. Kicking myself mentally I chided myself for not having a readymade witty answer. Sigh there goes my vision of a bright professional future …

Then the cynic in me came alive and I meekly tried an escape route by saying “two drunk men granting me a wish, of course, we will all remember this conversation in the morning” ha that would shut them up. ‘If u don’t believe in your wish it will never come true’, was the channel head’s prompt retort. Damn damn damn kill me somebody, who would’ve guessed such a simple question could cause such agony. Time was running out as was the groups patience, so I shared my dream of going abroad for a month to celebrate my birthday every year … I know I know it sounded bizarre to me even as I said it. I was mentally dismissed by all the ‘bada log’ standing there, who of course covered that deserving thought with polite smiles.

Party ended, self image shattered, but my ongoing debate with myself refused to die down. The eternal optimist in me declared that our scriptures have taught us that we should all strive to reach a stage of having zero desire. Bravo I had successfully attained what others strive to accomplish in a lifetime, by giving up material possessions etc etc.

Rubbish rebuked the ego that had been severely hurt by my behaviour; you are not even capable of having a single sane thought that was supposed to be in your favour?? Disgusting!

When the various battles going on inside by head had died down, I started analysing this supposedly insignificant but impactful incident. A part of me genuinely doesn’t want anything more than I already have. I am quite happy and content being where I currently am. …. Or come to think of it am I content with just being?

Rewind to ten years back when I was in college. I wanted to rule the world, I had a vision, and above all I had an insatiable passion for things. My regular day included college, my French diploma classes, classical music training, part time work, planning extra curricular activities for the various clubs I was a part of in college, going out and getting funds to see the activities through, attending street plays, music concerts, basket ball matches … I had a healthy rapport with a couple of groups of friends I regularly hung out with … AND I had a steady boyfriend which trust me is no less than a full time job  I went to sleep exhausted but satisfied, eager for the night to quickly get over so I could start a new day and go conquer new quests.

I had always said that give me a fully paid world tour on one side and a chance to visit Pakistan on the other and I would without second thought choose the later. I have my reasons for wanting to visit Pakistan but that’s another story. I still harbour that dream … why then did it slip my mind?

Today I have the resources that I lacked in my college days; to go and do all the extra curricular activities I aspired to be given a chance to do., I happen to know a few people at the right places and I possess a more refined know - how of the correct way of approaching and tackling issues that are close to my heart. But I don’t do a thing. I am content with my salary that lets me indulge myself in an insignificant manner;

Why? When did my life change so much from wanted to conquer the world to being happy to just exist? Wanting to shine like a star, to being content by just being a part of the crowd? Why have I become so mechanical in life. Home gym work friends home!

But u know what hurts more than anything else? Not the fact that I lack passion for the things I wanted to do, but the fact that I don’t aspire to be or do anything anymore. I strongly feel that we seek in times of turbulence and peace brings static. That’s what I am currently facing. Peace harmony, no real challenges, today is like yesterday and tomorrow will be like today. HOW BORING! I have and always will detest predictability.

As my favourite line from kungfu panda goes “ yesterday was the past forget it, tom is the future await it but today is gift which is why its called present” So now that I have rediscovered the gift am going to make the most of it. No more ‘chalta hai’ attitude.

When I look around me I see a lot of friends, colleagues, acquaintances suffering from the same syndrome. Either going about things on autopilot. No zest no enthusiasm whatsoever. Or they have gotten so caught up in fulfilling their dreams that they are skipping through the most important phase of their lives, the present! Come guys lets shake out of it. Let’s take out time to smell the flowers shall we?

Here’s to a more exciting and emotionally fulfilling journey henceforth. I will chase that dream if I have to …. But I ain’t letting it die just yet nah not so easily!

Stop, think, reflect !

Stop, Think, Reflect!

Good times give way to bad times, what goes up must come down. We are all familiar with these adages, still it is the same ‘we’ who stare in disbelief as another company bites the dust, or we read of another thousand odd people getting laid off, economic growth being excruciatingly slow.

I am no qualified authority on the subject. The last time I really keenly studied the rate at which economies rose and fell was while doing my B.A. in economics. But still a second grader could shake us up from our self-imposed state of coma and tell us ‘hey! Guess what? Past couple of years were boom time, BUT the honeymoon period is over and we ARE in recession with a whole lot of chances of plunging head first straight into depression.’

While this news sent many of us into well ‘depression’, some turned suicidal, others over anxious. I chose to stop, think and reflect.

It’s amazing how much clarity one gains just by pausing your own life and looking at it from a third person’s point of view.

Recession obviously meant less money for all of us. This is what I started reflecting on … the materialistic me! I have been amongst the fortunate few who rose as fast as the industry I work in, namely ‘television’. Today I don’t really think twice about buying something I might NEVER use, happily indulging every retailer on the planet. That seems to be the case with a lot of people around me. Maybe it’s about time we do start to think.

My shopaholic behavior today is a stark contrast to my upbringing. I had a strict disciplinarian of a father who ensured the family had an expense holiday once a month. An expense holiday was basically a day when my five-member family didn’t buy any goods or services. Dad would walk to the station and his monthly pass would safely transport him to his destination. Mom bought groceries a day in advance. My brothers and me walked to school unaffected as we walked to school everyday. Though we did refrain from buying anything from the school canteen thus contributing our humble bit. So we were brought up with the ‘funda’ that if u need to buy anything postpone it by a day This was dad’s feeble attempt of making us stop, think, reflect.

Given my current state of affairs clearly this thought is being reflected on someone else on another planet in another universe.

That does not mean that I have not seen the other side of the coin. There has been an incident that I can never forget no matter how affluent I become in life tomorrow. This happened around Nov’03. Me being the rebel I am I had dramatically fought with my folks and come to Bombay (we used to live in pune) to look for work. Had stayed at my nani’s house, where divya my affluent older cousin sister voluntarily took care of my social expenses. After a couple of weeks this started bothering me, as I wanted to pay for my things myself but didn’t have the resources for it.

I will never forget the eve, we had gone to check out the newly opened ‘phoneix mills’. Caramel popcorn was a huge craze then as we poor folk from developing countries were only used to having salted popcorn. It cost Rs 20 for a packet; my mouth was watering already from the aroma of the freshly popped corn and the melted caramel still gooey and glistening. However a nano second before divya bought my pack I changed my mind and told her I didn’t want any.

I stood there watching everyone savor the one thing I really wanted at that point. Needless to say I went and found a job soon and the second thing I bought from my salary (first thing went to charity as I have seen dad do always) was caramel popcorn. The satisfaction of crunching the caramel coated popcorn in my mouth after a good 2 months wait cannot be described in words. Though anyone who has really wanted something and achieved it after a long wait and hard labour can relate to it.

2 years later I was in London buying my ‘Fendi glares’ on a whim that I wanted to own a pair of branded glares. Needless to say, owning the glares didn’t even given me 5% of the satisfaction I got when I finally succeeded in buying that packet of popcorn.

Why have we started depriving ourselves of these small pleasures? Why can’t we discipline ourselves enough to get back in tune with nature cause if we don’t then we clearly cant blame ourselves for being perennially dissatisfied as most people around me our today.

So maybe it is time to stop, think and reflect?